Bedtime Lullabies

2011-09-01T13:08:00.000-07:00

I've lost my sense of creativity. I'm sorry. I really need my time out. I'll be back soon. I promise.

In the meantime, enjoy my new baby blue blog. Bright, isn't it? They say bright colours help stimulate minds.

Of things; this and that and this and that......

2011-08-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like doing a Look After You cover. Just for the sake of it. Maybe someday.

It has been 15 days of Ramadhan and things are working out good. I'm trying to keep things positive and I have to admit, I feel good! I'm very happy to have my friends around. They might not be perfect, but I love them. I really do. If ever any of you are reading this, do know that I appreciate ever single one of you and I love you. I mean what I say.

Moving on......

The Artistic Writing classes of Semester 1, 3, 4 and 5 attended the Malam Moreh Puisi Dinihari V at the home of Dr Ibrahim Abdul Ghafar last Friday the 12th. It was splendid. Besides being served with good food, we were also served with the great performances by young local students and also amazing poetry readings by Malaysia's famous karyawans. It was indeed a good night, although I was kind of disappointed at myself for not being one of the performers as well.

One thing I learnt that night (and technically every other time I go to functions and such) is that people are always obnoxious and ungrateful. I sat with the boys in one table, and there were a couple of other boys of my class (whom, to be frank, I don't really like or enjoy being around). There we were, being provided with food and drinks, tables and chairs, yet the 'other boys' were complaining about the food and the place and what not. But somehow they're the ones who were taking so much food to the point that they didn't even finish them. I was really angry at such behaviour and attitude. I mean, you are given free, nice food. Why on Earth would you complain, instead of being thankful that you have food? Haven't you ever thought of the kids in Somalia who are starving? It's always like that at every event! When is it going to get better, really? Don't their parents teach them? Oh, wait. Most adults have that attitude as well. Heh.

I went back to Kuala Lumpur on Saturday. My parents came over and picked me up to the Section 13 Giant to do some grocery shopping. We ended up having foot massages. LOL. Obviously Dad and I just can't help ourselves! So right after, we sent the groceries back to the college apartment, and only arrived in KL in the evening. Later on, we headed to WangsaWalk Mall; basically because I wanted to find a black Kebaya for Eid, despite the fact that I already have four new baju Kurungs Mum bought in Vietnam the other day. I ended up buying a Hanbok-styled outfit which looked really awesome on me! It was so unique it made me feel anxious to celebrate Eid. I also bought a long-dress-sort-of-outfit with beads on the chest that looked cute and unique on me. I was so happy with the outfits to the point that I didn't mind not buying a Kebaya. I didn't really get to buy new shoes, though. I didn't have enough time, so I guess I'm going to have to do it next time. That evening, for iftar, there was a variety of food to choose from; Soto, Chicken Porridge, rice with all sorts of lauks, including Asam Pedas! Oh yes, NOMNOMNOM it was! I felt so bliss, until after I realized that the house was a huge mess and I was just so infuriated at my indisciplined cousins!

My family had to go back to Kemaman that very night, and Uncle Made's had to make it back to Johor Bahru as well. I was very reluctant, actually, to spend the night at the house, but Dad was too exhausted to drive me all the way back to college. I almost cried. It felt like I was going to be left behind by my Dad. I hate that feeling! But I just had to be strong and hold back tears. I survived that night, thankfully.

The very next day, Daniella and I decided to meet up in KLCC before going back to college. We were both stressed out. And what better way was to escape all that than to watch movies at the cinemas, eh? We watched The Rise of the Planet of the Apes. It was a wonderful film; I even cried watching the bond and love between the human and the animal. Weird? Well, I just can't help myself. I love animals too much!

And so, today, it's 'Back-To-Reality' day; where I've to wake up freaking early in the morning (but apparently didn't) and go to classes. I was wearing a high waisted loose pants and my striking blue shirt. I somehow thought that I was overdressed but hey, it's formal day! We're supposed to play dress-up, aren't we? I actually felt really pretty today, and then one particular person told me I looked hot in my outfit today. That was truly unexpected. I was expecting people to make fun of me or something. LOL! But it made me feel a lot better of myself. Thank you, darling! Although somehow I feel like if I were to go out dressed like that, people would most definitely think of me as a married woman with a high-flying, busy career. Maybe I should just try, someday. Maybe it'd be fun!

Things are going so well for me, and I have nobody else to thank but God. I might not have that great of a social life, I might not have the prettiest, dearest clothes, I might not have anything at all, but I am indeed very thankful for my life right now. It's not perfect, but I'm living it. What about yours? :)

2011-08-10T04:08:00.000-07:00

Sebenarnya aku tak tahu apa yang aku patut coretkan di sini. Cuma aku tahu satu; bulan Ramadhan benar-benar mengajar aku menjadi seorang insan yang lebih tabah, sabah dan memaafkan.Alhamdulillah.

Aku tak sabar mahu cuti. Bukan tak sabar untuk Raya, tapi tak sabar untuk cuti. Aku mahu pulang ke rumah, iftar dengan keluarga, pergi ke bazar Ramadhan, iftar dengan rakan-rakan, dan keluar lewat malam untuk sahur. Aku tidak terlalu taksub dengan Raya. Aku sudah tawar hati. Pelik, bila lihat orang sekeliling, belum masuk Ramadhan pun lagi sudah sibuk memainkan lagu-lagu Raya. Aku tak suka fenomena itu. Bagi aku, mereka seolah-olah tak menghormati Ramadhan sedangkan ini bulan mulia. Aku tak faham betul mereka semua. Bukanlah aku mahu menyatakan yang aku ini alim, bagus sangat. Aku sendiri pun tidak mampu puasa penuh, kerana aku perempuan. Tapi sekurang-kurangnya hormatlah bulan ini. Jangan sampai terpesong niat!

Aku cuma ada lagi dua minggu di universiti sebelum cuti seminggu. Sekejap saja lagi dan aku yakin minggu-minggu ini akan lebih indah! Jumaat ini aku punya majlis iftar dan bacaan puisi di rumah sasterawan negara, Ibrahim Abdul Ghafar. Ramailah sasterawan-sasterawan akan berada di sana, dan aku bercadang mahu lakukan persembahan, tapi sampai saat ini aku masih buntu. Aduhai. Dan hari Sabtu pula aku akan pulang ke Kuala Lumpur. Semoga di sana nanti tidak putus kepalaku dek hilang kesabaran.

Sekarang sudah dekat waktu iftar. Aku harus turun. Kawan-kawan menanti. Selamat beriftar, semua! Assalamualaikum!

Si Cantik Jelitawan

2011-08-10T02:59:00.000-07:00

Bawa datang si cantik jelitawan
Kaya raya
Pandai, juga
Bawa datang ke sini
Biar aku lihat
Biar aku tatap lama lama wajah si jelitawan
Biar aku renung jauh ke dalam matanya
Dan biar aku rasa jatuh cinta

Apakah nilainya cinta itu
dengannya?
Benar, kau kata,
dia sempurna. Apa lagi yang tidak
sempurnya tentangnya?
Tapi apa
Nilai cinta itu
Dengan dia, si
Cantik Jelitawan?

Mungkin buat waktu sekarang
Dia terbaik; namun
Aku sedar
Aku tahu tempat aku.
Bukan di situ,
bersamanya.
Bukan tempat aku
untuk jatuh
cinta padanya, si
Cantik Jelitawan.

- Jasmine, 2011

Ramadhan Resolution

2011-08-02T07:16:00.000-07:00

Since it's a beautiful month, I'm going to make a resolution and try as much as I can to achieve everything in it. Yes, why not, eh? People say we are more motivated when we actually know what we're aiming for, instead of going for a blur vision. So yes, I'm making myself a resolution.

Get closer to God and build a better relationship with Him.
Build a healthier relationship with the people around me. Less hating, more forgiving.
Cleanse my heart off of all the frustrations, anger and hatred.
Lose weight. Yes, I need to keep a fit figure so I don't get sick, and what better time if not Ramadhan, eh?
Remove the negative vibes inside of me.
Accept people, just the way the are. They're God's creations too.
Write, everyday. With a pen and paper. Yes, back to basics!
Save on expenses.
Smile and laugh more often, even with people I don't know.
Be beautiful, more than I've ever been!

Okay, that last part might be a bit vain, I think, but it's okay. I've decided that I'm going to embrace my beauty, inside and outside and it's okay, because I know for a fact that I am beautiful. We all are. It just took me a long while to actually get out of my shell to realize this fact. And if you realized, yes, I focused a lot on getting rid of the bad emotions, right? I think I've been in depression for too long, so yes, this Ramadhan I think I should take the opportunity to clean my soul and free myself of every single thing that's not worth the caring. Therefore this Ramadhan, I think you might see less of me on Facebook and Twitter. At some point, I just need to escape, so I guess now's the best time.

Thank you, God, for giving me the opportunity to live up till this very moment and giving me the 'light' to actually see things through a different perspective now. I will make the best of this. Insya'Allah.

Therapy

2011-08-01T10:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't get myself. I'm frustrated, but I can't tell over which event. But one thing I know for sure, I'm angry, mostly at myself, for letting my own self get attached to a person to the point that now, I feel very hurt by his actions. I'm talking about a friend, a very good friend. A friend whom I thought would never disappoint me in that way but he did. I don't blame him, though. I blame myself for being stupid enough to think that there could actually still be somebody honest in life these days. I was wrong. Everybody's a hypocrite at the end of the day. I guess that includes me as well.

Normally if I get infuriated with life, I'd try to surround myself with friends and just laugh throughout the day, or do things, even the simplest things, like go to the beach and just try to get a piece of mind. But that was back then, when I lived so close to the ocean. Basically I just need something as a therapy. So in order to prevent myself from turning into a monster, I accepted a friend's invitation to the Filmmakers Anonymous event in KLMap last Saturday, but after some complications occurred, I went to Bukit Bintang instead and enjoyed a shopping therapy with Daniella, although I wouldn't say I shopped too much, but oh dear, sales were basically everywhere and I just can't wait to go back there and just shop some more! We had ice-cream and good tea, and some good flirts as well as fights with people around. Well, we didn't literally fight, there were some jerks around who did make fun of the two of us because apparently they can't stand the fact that other people such as myself are able to speak English and be polite to other people, even by just saying 'excuse me', and in my head were images of what I should do to torment them as I passed them by. There was no point in arguing, though. Sinking to their level wouldn't bring any good to me, right? At least the baristas at the Gloria Jean's Coffee were very nice to me. Later in the late evening, Daniella and I watched Hanna, which turned out to have so many symbolisms in the film, but I enjoyed it a lot! I did hear some complains about the film by some anonymous audiences as we were exiting the cinema, so I guess the film's not for everyone. We had dinner afterwards and wandered around the streets, checking out the night life of Kuala Lumpur. I especially loved the busking thing going on around the place! It was amazing!

Athina picked us up that night, and we slept over at her place. Basically she kidnapped us without me even realizing it. I had an awesome evening, and yes, indeed, I got my mind off things, even for a day. I know it's hard to be care-free and forget everything that's frustrating me, but I guess a day is good enough to start with. I'm going to practice more positive thinking this new Ramadhan, and just slowly try to free myself of all the anger and depression inside of me. Now that's real therapy! I just need to get rid of all the negative vibes inside of me, and I somehow think that the water shortage happening here is not helping at all. Oh, yeah, water had been cut off my block since Wednesday and I for one am going crazy! I guess this is one of God's way of testing my patience. I'll just bear with it, but really, if this goes on for another week, I will, I assure you, EXPLODE!

Well, have a blessed Ramadhan, dear brothers and sisters in Islam! I wish you all a beautiful, miraculous month ahead, and may we be protected from all evil and wrong-doings on Earth. God is Great, God is Gracious!

Kenapa kau?

2011-07-26T03:37:00.000-07:00

"Lost and insecure, you found me"

Aku punya satu teori tentang diri aku yang sebenarnya aku masih kaji tapi aku yakin ini betul! Kenapa aku suka kau? Kenapa? Kau pernah tanya aku, kenapa kau? Sejujurnya kau bukan orang pertama yang tanyakan aku soalan itu. Tapi kau adalah antara yang bertuah sebenarnya. Aku bukan suka kau sia sia. Aku memang SUKA kau. Bukan senang aku boleh SUKA. Akhir sekali aku SUKA adalah dengan bekas kekasih aku yang terakhir.

Dia adalah seorang yang kasar. Ganas. Biasalah, lelaki. Tapi dia kuat cemburu. Dia mahu perhatian aku. Kadang-kalanya aku tak mampu. Aku punya hidup aku sendiri juga. Aku punya pendirian. Tapi hati naluri aku perempuan, aku jatuh juga. Sampai akhirnya aku sebenarnya terseksa dengannya. Terpaksa melayan karenahnya siang malam. Dan lebih teruk lagi, aku saja yang perlu ada untuk dia. Dia tak pernah ada untuk aku. Semuanya tentang dia. Aku bencikan dia. Tapi bagaimana boleh benci sama waktu dengan suka?

Akhirnya aku kecundang dalam pergolakan jiwa aku. Dia tinggalkan aku waktu aku paling perlukan dia. Aku sakit. Dia pergi. Aku menangis. Dia curang. Sudahlah begitu, dia masih lagi mahu main-mainkan aku yang sudah jatuh, lemah ini. Seperti kau tembak burung yang sedang terbang tinggi setelah berapa lama berlatih untuk meninggalkan sarangnya, dan sudah jatuh dan sakit, kau ambil. Kau kutip. Kau campak-campakkannya ke langit, sambil memperlekehkannya.

Lama aku sakit. Betul! Untuk melupakan semua itu bukan mudah. Aku lari dari dunia sebab tak ada siapa pun yang cuba menghalang. Air mata adalah teman baik aku. Betul! Aku sendiri saja, cuba pulihkan hati aku yang sudah lama hancur berkecai. Dia? Dia berbahagia dengan perempuan-perempuan di luar sana. Mengapa aku harus bersedih, bukan? Aku layak bahagia! Tapi aku tak jumpa bahagia. Aku cuma ada kesedihan dan kesunyian. Seorang diri.

Kenapa aku sedih? Sebab aku sudah terlalu SUKA dengan dia, walaupun sebenarnya dia seorang yang tidak berbaloi pun sebenarnya. Aku SUKA dia. Aku mengaku, aku bodoh kerana SUKA dia sedangkan dia mungkin langsung tak SUKA aku, walaupun sebenarnya dia yang memulakan langkah. Tapi aku sedar, itu tak semestinya bermaksud dia jujur, bukan?

Aku masih sakit, sebenarnya. Dan aku langsung tak menjangkakan aku boleh SUKA sesiapa lagi, walaupun sebenarnya sudah lebih setahun perkara itu berlaku. Tipulah kalau aku katakan aku tidak keliru dengan kondisi aku sekarang. Kenapa aku suka kau? Kenapa kau?

Aku memutuskan bahawa hati aku fobia. Paranoid. Paranoid dengan SUKA. Paranoid dengan lelaki. Paranoid dengan apa saja yang boleh sakitkan aku. Dan mungkin kerana itu, tetapi dicampur dengan rasa kosong dan sunyi dalam jiwa, hati aku pilih kau. Sebab kau langsung tak seperti dia. Kau lain. Aku rasa selamat dengan kau, seolah-olah kau takkan sakitkan aku sebab kau bukan macam dia.

Pernah tonton She's Just Out Of My League, bukan? Kenapa Molly yang sangat cantik dan berjaya pilih Kirk yang sangat 'loser'? Sebab dia rasa selamat dengan Kirk, setelah hatinya disakiti, dihancuri. Okay, aku tak maksudkan yang kau adalah 'loser'. Cuma, aku rasa selamat dengan kau. Aku rasa bahawa aku tak akan disakiti kalau dengan kau.

Aku tak nafikan, kau baik. Malah terkadang aku fikir, terlalu baik untuk aku. Kau sering ambil kisah tentang aku, kau sering dengar luahan hati aku, kau sering ada untuk aku. Tapi yang paling penting adalah sebab, kau ada. Kau wujud. Kau ada di situ. Kau isikan kekosongan jiwa aku, dan kau buat aku rasa selamat.

Kau yang jumpa aku dan selamatkan aku.

Benar. Kita tak bersama. Kau tak rasa apa aku rasa. Tapi hakikatnya, aku tak terluka. Langsung. Jadi, jangan bimbang, sayang, kau tak salah apa-apa. Semua ini berlaku sebab aku dan aku saja yang patut dipersalahkan kerana SUKA kau. Tapi hakikatnya, aku tak terluka.

Ini teori aku. Penat aku fikirkan kenapa aku suka kau, dan akhirnya ini jawapan aku. Ini teori aku. Terpulanglah, mahu percaya tidak. Tapi ini teori aku.

Jangan risau. Aku baik-baik saja.

2011-07-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

Imagine yourself. A child. To a perfectly married couple.

Everything seemed perfect. But suddenly in a blink of an eye, nothing is perfect any more.

The married couple starts fighting. Even over silly, little things.

They argue over the phone.

They quarrel over dinner.

While you just sit there quietly

Waiting.

Waiting for something to happen.

And after the long while waiting, they break the news to you.

They're separating.

A part of you wants to be sad, but mostly you're just happy.

No, you're not being selfish.

You're just happy that all the fighting had stopped.

You're just happy that they've finally made up their mind.

You're just happy that the wait is over.

You're just happy that you've been given the answer to your confusion.

You're just happy that it's all over and done with.

Well my wait is finally over. I have my answer now. And as much as I want to cry over it, I'm actually happier, way happier that my wait is finally, officially over! I am no longer imprisoned by the confusion and the wait. I'm free of it all now.

One thing I know for sure about myself is I don't know how to pour my emotions out to people, and I, for one, do not attach myself mentally nor emotionally to people. I keep everything, everything to myself, except for when I write, because that's the only way I let it all out. So when you really expect me to sit down and talk, I wouldn't count much on it. Trust me, I couldn't let it out even if I wanted to. And everything would really just result in an awkward silence. But as awkward as it was, I was really glad we had that talk. Because now I have my answer. Thank you.

To be frank, I wasn't at all prepared of what was coming. But surprisingly, I was fucking calm that time. Maybe I just saw it coming. Maybe I'm just tired of the games we played. Maybe I just wanted to hear it, officially, from your mouth. And I did.

I realized then, that I am numb. Really numb. I didn't feel the pain. I couldn't. The wounds and scars from my last relationship were still red and blue. The stitches were trying to hold on as tightly as could ever be. My heart just refused to hurt again. My last relationship was one of my greatest downfalls in life. I'm being serious. I was hurt too severely that my heart immediately became paranoid and numb. I thought I was over the phase since it's been more than a year now. I guess I was wrong. I still am the ice-queen. Sigh.

I mean, it's not that I choose to be like this, but the world had turned me into a heartless, soulless bitch.

But what matters most is that I have my answer now.

Thank you.

*for those who are wondering, no, my parents did not divorce.

Secretive.

2011-06-29T17:46:00.000-07:00

I'm secretive, everyone says. That's just my nature. The ocean wouldn't be as beautiful as it is if it wasn't as secretive as it is, no? Pearls would be worthless if we didn't have to go deep down into the sea and find them. I don't like sharing my stories to people, orally. I don't know how, actually. I've never been taught to express my emotions to people.

Hence I write.

I always write. Always have and always will. This is how I express myself, control myself. Writing is the only medium for me to pour everything out. If I can't say, I write. Even just for myself to read. Even if I don't really have anything to say.

Right now, it seems harder for me to even talk to people. I need my pen and paper even more, because I don't know who I can talk to, who I can turn to, who I can trust. Because the truth is, I can't trust. I don't know how to trust. I've been let down too many times to know that I can't trust people any more.

Masa; begitu cepat kau berlalu.

2011-06-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

Buat masa sekarang, aku baik-baik saja. Sedikit kurang sihat, kurang cergas, tapi keseluruhannya, aku baik-baik saja. Belajar? Pembelajaran semester baru ini juga baik-baik saja. Aku masih lagi rapuh. Insecure. Tapi aku tetap bersyukur berada di sini. Aku rindu muka-muka yang biasa aku nampak sejak dua semester lalu. Muka-muka yang bagi aku sering menceriakan tempat belajar aku, muka-muka yang aku telah terlalu biasa lihat, mungkin, sampaikan tidak melihat mereka, aku jadi.........

Bila difikirkan kembali, aku tidaklah sebegitu rapat pun dengan kebanyakan daripada mereka. Kebanyakannya cuma sekadar teman melepak. Tidak lebih. Bukan salah mereka. Salah aku. Aku yang tidak mampu mengikat hubungan yang rapat dengan mereka kerana wujud satu dinding di sekeliling aku.

Teruk, mungkin, bila aku katakan yang aku sebenarnya selesa dengan dinding itu.

Di dalamnya cuma aku. Aku, sendiri. Tanpa sesiapa lagi. Aku sememangnya sudah biasa sendiri. Dan aku sememangnya sudah biasa tidak dihiraukan. Aku seolah-olah tidak wujud. Invinsible.

Tapi walaupun aku sedar yang aku tak akan pernah mampu untuk jadi emotionally-attached dengan kebanyakan manusia yang mengelilingi atau pernah mengelilingi aku, dan mereka mungkin tidak pernah lihat aku lebih daripada seorang budak perempuan yang sentiasa kelihatan gembira dan gelak besar, aku rindu mereka. Aku sangat-sangat rindukan mereka.

Tapi hidup perlu diteruskan, bukan?

Aku pelajar Diploma Teknologi Kreatif (Penulisan Artistik) Semester 3, Fakulti Teknologi Kreatif dan Artistik, Universiti Teknologi Mara. Lagi dua semester dan aku tamat pengajian diploma. Begitu sekejap masa berlalu. Sedangkan aku rasa aku masih lagi budak baru. Hakikatnya aku sudah menjadi seorang sophomore.

Dan satu perkara yang menyedihkan aku adalah hakikat bahawa kami langsung tidak bersatu. Pelajar semester 3. Apa yang aku belajar dari kawan-kawan yang sudah tiada di sini lagi adalah mereka semua adalah satu. Kami? Satu kelas pun tak mampu bersatu. Apatah lagi satu batch. Hmmmm.....

Adakah aku yang melebih-lebihkan perasaan aku? Mungkin. Mungkin tidak.

Pelik. I shut the world away from me, but I somehow fall down hard, anyway.

Ada cara lagi baik untuk aku lindung diri aku?

Kau keliru.

2011-06-24T19:54:00.000-07:00

Kadang-kadang aku rasa kau suka. Kadang-kadang aku rasa kau sekadar bermain-main. Kadang-kadang aku rasa mungkin kau memang begitu. Kadang-kadang aku rasa kau keliru.

Aku tak tahu apa kau mahu selagi kau tak jelaskan pada aku.

Mahu aku? Atau tak mahu aku? Beritahu yang benar saja.

Aku tak kisah. Aku tak pernah paksa, bukan?

Bukan kau yang sering bilang pada aku, jujur dengan diri aku sendiri? Kenapa kau tak pernah jujur dengan diri kau sendiri? Kenapa?

Kau keliru. Kau bikin aku keliru.

Terangkan saja kegelapan ini, sayang. Jangan bikin aku lemas lagi. Aku tak sanggup. Aku tak sanggup lagi.

Kata saja kau suka. Kata saja kau mahu. Kata saja kau tidak suka. Kata saja kau tidak mahu.

Cuma jangan tinggalkan aku tanpa kata. Jangan tinggalkan aku dalam celaru.

- Jasmine, 2011

2011-06-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't been writing for quite some time, not, have I? I thought I should focus more on reality, but reality seems to be disappointing me. No, I don't set my expectations up high. I've learnt to live under a shadow. I don't yearn to see the light. What is light, anyway? People keep saying, raise your head, look up towards the future. I do raise my head, but I can't see anything anyway when smoke keeps blocking out the skies. I admit, I am a pessimist. But don't take this the wrong way just because I don't go your way or anybody else's. You might now think that I am stupid, for not wanting to look forward. Go ahead. I don't blame you. Maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't know. You tell.

I do look forward to the future. Trust me, I do. But maybe not as much as everyone else. I believe in now; The Present. Yes, right now might seem dark and all, and every other person are looking forward to finding the light. I look for the dark, instead. Why? Because it's a mystery. Just imagine all the things you can find beneath the shadows. Just like deep beneath the ocean. I don't want to strive for the surface. I want to go emerge deeper, because that's where you find all the treasures of the sea. You don't see pearls on the surface of the ocean, do you?

Of course, different people strive for different things. And that's what makes us human. I like being different from people, even if it means standing alone on my own at the end of the day. The majority isn't always right, no?

Semester Break May 2011

2011-05-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

Hola, amigos!

Oh, I've missed writing here! I've been pulling myself back from writing here ever since I came back to Kemaman because.... Well, I can't explain why. A part of it is because I don't want to be mourning over my pathetic, miserable love failure here, and a part of it is because I've been trying to find real time for myself to find my inner peace and strength. I know I'm not strong enough. Things have been quite crazy for me; with the family, friends, and environment. And all that drama in life have just led me to being even sicker. But despite the sickness, I have to say, I've had quite a wonderful holiday by far. No, I haven't gone anywhere. Just hanged around Kemaman with friends, and sometimes around Kuantan and Kerteh. The presence of friends really kept me going on strong. They kept me smiling and laughing all the way and took my mind off my misery. So yes, I've had fun.

But of course, not all friends are there to stay. For what I've been through, I've learnt that friends are much like boyfriends too. Not all of them are willing to stay by your side forever. And breaking up with friends makes me feel even worse than having to break up with boyfriends. Because friends are.... well, friends. And I thought friends were there to stay. I guess I was wrong. I'm wrong about a lot of things, but over this, I should have known better.

I miss you. The old you.

Things can't ever be the same again even if we tried to.

You've changed.

Things have changed.

And I'm sorry if you think I'm not worthy enough of being in your life.

Ah well. That's just life, I guess. For all that's happened, I'm sure God has His reasons. And I believe He has something else better prepared for me. Alhamdulillah.

Results for my second semester has come out, and I for one, am very frustrated with myself. "It couldn't be that bad" you might say. Well, for me it is, because writing is more than just a passion for me, it's basically my whole life. I've wrote ever since I could remember and it's practically the only thing I'm good at, and I couldn't even excel in this.

Next semester, which literally starts next week, I guess I'll really have to struggle like crazy. Pray for me, please?

And of course, I shall not forget to mention;

THIRTY SECONDS TO MARS

ARE COMING TO

MALAYSIA!

They will be performing at the MTV Asia World Stage at iCity, Shah Alam on July 24th 2011, and you bet I'm going. No way am I going to miss out on seeing Jared, Shannon and Tomo live! And I shall try my best to find myself some backstage passes. The only problem is, who am I going to go with? Anybody?

I've almost come to the end of the semester break, but I'm going for an island vacation this Friday, May 27th. I guess I'll be coming into college quite late, then, and with a darker tan. I'm not bothered. I just want a getaway, although I'm not sure if this can even be considered a getaway. It's going to be sort of rushed because I got to rush back to college ASAP. And another downside to this vacation is that Dad's friend and his family are coming along, and Mum, of course, is expecting me to be, well, not me. That means, no short board shorts, no tank tops, no dresses, no shorts, no being me and dressing up like me. I hate to have to succumb to other people's ways, but I can't do anything about it when my Mum's the one making me do it. Sometimes I just feel like she's embarrassed by who and what I am. Okay, not sometimes. All the time. I might as well get along with it and try to enjoy the vacation as much as possible.

Now to continue packing up for both the vacation and college.

Somebody should remind me to eat my meds.

2011-05-06T00:47:00.000-07:00

What is there to talk about? I've been sick. I mean, really, really sick. See, I have an awesome immune system that keeps me from getting sick, so I don't get easily get fever or things like that, although I do suffer from some other permanent diseases like asthma and sinusitis. But my point here is, I don't easily fall sick.

But when I do, oh God, I'll tell you, it's like my worst nightmare that came up to me, threatening to eat me alive! No, I am not exaggerating. I'm serious! I'd catch freaking high fever, with heavy-headedness, flu, asthma attacks, stuffed nose, and swollen tonsils. Most of the time, I wouldn't even be able to get up, and end up stuck in bed for a week.

So yeah, I've been sick since yesterday. I was at the hotel and I just couldn't wake up that particular Thursday morning. What was I doing in a hotel? Mum came to Kuala Lumpur Tuesday evening for work purposes by flight, so she booked a hotel room in Holiday Villa, Jalan Ampang and she asked me to accompany her, although most of the time I was left alone. I even had late lunch alone at AmpWalk's Secret Recipe that Wednesday. So yeah, it had been a fine Wednesday, till the part when I couldn't really sleep well in the night. The next morning, I was helpless and dying. Well, a bit exaggerated on that dying part, but hey, I'm asthmatic. I'm practically dying now!

I was sort of sleeping the whole day, until my aunt called me, telling me that she was going to send her two kids to the hotel so I could bring them swimming down at the pool. I was like "WTF?" I informed her of my dying condition, but she, as usual, refuses to listen to other people. PFFFT. I don't know why I'm related to her. Anyhow, as I was saying, a couple of hours later, as I was sleeping my sickness away, she called again, telling me to go down in a couple of minutes to fetch her kids (or as I like to call them, rascals) because she was about to reach the hotel. Reluctantly, I struggled up (no kidding). Once I'm up, my stomach grumbled, and there was this nauseous feeling inside that I couldn't hold inside even if I tried to. I ran to the loo and vomited. I was crazy messed up. I haven't felt this much pain since I could even recall! When I was finally feeling less nauseous (I was technically still in pain and my eyes were super watery), I washed up and checked my phone to see there was about 8 missed calls from my aunt. In my crazy sick condition, I hurried down. As soon as I reached the lobby, she wasn't there, and a text messaged arrived to my phone. "The least you could do is pick up my calls!" she said. I called her back, only to get even more fucked up than I already was. She was pissed off. I can understand that I was late, but what was I to do? I was fucking sick! My phone died in the middle of the argument, and I went back up, feeling fucked up, and back to sleep.

Dad arrived that late evening, after he went out for dinner with Mum and Adib. They bought me McDonald's Chicken Porridge. At a couple of spoons, and popped up some Penicillin. Quite later in the night, my temperature boosted. I was brought to the Gleanegles Intan Medical Centre, where the doctor there gave me a shot and some medications. I was lucky enough I wasn't admitted. And yes, I cried when the doctor jabbed me. I was to come again the next day for further check up, just in case my body decides to go crazy again and boosts its temperature. So yeah, right after, we went back to the hotel and I went to the reflexology centre down the lobby and had a full body massage. It was awesome! The masseuse lady was a miracle! She hit all the right places and did awesome things to my body, I felt like I died and went to therapy paradise! Well, the massage was refreshing, I felt much better after. I had a good sleep during the night.

And today, well, it's safe to say that the fever subsided a bit, but I was still feeling quite heavy-headed. My chest still feels tight, and my nose is still stuffed. We checked out today, and went back to Nanny's. I didn't have lunch, I lose appetite when I get sick. I'd feel even sicker if I ate. And I went to the hospital again just now, the doctors decided not to imprison me there. Why? Because I was showing good progress :"> But I was jabbed again, TWICE! I was crying like crazy, and the doctor just laughed at me. I should sue him. Okay, wait, maybe not.

So yeah, I'm back at Nanny's now. I have exactly no idea how to face that aunt of mine, and I'm actually rather starving. I'm getting better, so is my appetite. And here I was, trying to enjoy the moments of when I'm actually not hungry.

I'm waiting for the parents to come home, and probably go out for dinner and catch a movie or two with them.

We're heading back to Kemaman tomorrow. Finally. I can't wait!

Labours Day trip.

2011-05-03T04:37:00.000-07:00

A brief holiday in Perak.

Happy Belated Labours Day!

Hot spring park

I was fucked up the whole time.

For the last time...

2011-04-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

So here I am. Back in the house in Kuala Lumpur.

I was sitting with him, talking and talking and talking before I left. It felt nice. Though I didn't really get things off of my chest, but being with him just feels so......... right. He was babbling to me about his interview that morning with the Language Faculty. He was so happy about it, and I became lost in his excited smile and laugh. But the thought of him, not being there any more hurts the most. I'm probably not going to be able to see him soon. It sucks. Just the thought of it sucks. Gosh! No more dinners together. No more hanging out till late night together. No more making fun of him. No more laughing with him. Yeah, I'm exaggerating. We have our cellphones and Twitter and Facebook, still. But what's the point if I can't see him? It'd be different if he was willing to work things out between us. He left me hanging, still. So I'm supposed to know that he loves me and I love him, and yet remain friends? It's weird. I don't mind. But a part of me wants more! I guess I'll just have to be patient and wait. Wait for what drama life takes me into this time.

So we said goodbye for real that time. For the last time. Though my heart heavily declines to.

And now, I'm missing him already.

The Seniors; Taking Off.

2011-04-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

Waktu mula-mula mahu masuk ke alam universiti, tak pernah langsung pun terfikir tentang betapa rapatnya aku akan jadi dengan senior-senior aku. Waktu mula-mula masuk dulu, aku cuma fikir mahu mulakan hidup baru. Lupakan semua yang pahit-pahit di belakang, sebab aku akan mulakan hidup baru.

Masuk ke sini, dikenalkan dengan beberapa senior yang menguruskan minggu orientasi. Senang cerita, kami begitu ramai, bagaimana mereka mahu ingat kami semua?

Masuk saja minggu pertama pembelajaran, malam itu, kami, pelajar semester pertama Fakulti Teknologi Kreatif dan Artistik diwajibkan hadir ke studio Panca Delima. Belum masuk pun lagi, kami di luar telah dimarahi oleh beberapa orang senior. Kami dipaksa beratur di luar studio mengikut kelas. Masuk-masuk sahaja ke dalam studio Panca Delima, kami lihat di depan sana sekumpulan manusia berbaju merah sedang menanti. Berdebar juga, teringat cerita-cerita pelajar junior dibuli senior. Kenangan-kenangan semasa masih junior dalam Kadet Laut, dibuli senior-senior ketika itu muncul kembali. Sedikit rasa takut muncul. Tapi lebih banyak rasa teruja sebenarnya. Dalam hati ini tertanya-tanya, apa sahaja akan diperlakukan kepada kami semua sebentar lagi? Siapa sangka, sepanjang minggu itu, iaitu Minggu Induksi, kami benar-benar seronok, bermain macam-macam, diperkenalkan dengan pelbagai perkara baru. Dan tika itu baru aku sedar, inilah dunia aku akan datang. Performing arts.

Kami dibahagikan dalam kumpulan. Senior-senior yang mengelolakan kumpulan kami; Kak Olin, Kak Intan, Kak Nana, Kak Syu, Abang Azmil, Kak Lyn, Abang Hamzi dan Mel. Untuk persembahan terakhir (baca: final performance), kumpulan kami perlu mempersembahkan tarian K-Pop. Pada mulanya aku agak kekok, tapi setelah lebih kurang dua minggu berlatih, persembahan kami begitu baik sekali!

Waktu mula-mula dulu, aku, seperti biasa, tidaklah sebegitu rapat dengan sesiapa. Aku bukan jenis yang mudah bergaul. Aku introvert. Seolah-olah ada tembok besar yang menghalang hati aku. Melihat orang lain berbaik-baik dengan senior-senior, aku tak rasa apa-apa. Mungkin sebab aku introvert.

Kemudian hadirlah Ramadhan. Aku dan beberapa kawan sekelas sering berlatih untuk persembahan deklamasi kami untuk Malam Moreh Puisi Dinihari IV. Selepas berlatih, kami ke tempat makan di dalam kawasan kolej untuk sahur, juga untuk berbincang dan bersembang, ya lah, masing-masing masih baru berkawan. Kemudian datanglah seorang senior yang sering berbaju Melayu jarang dekat dengan kami. Saiful Ismail. Dari situ aku berkawan dengannya.

Datanglah malam merdeka pula. Aku keluar dengan beberapa sahabat kelas, aku memandu. Itu kali pertama aku memandu setelah lebih kurang dua bulan tidak memandu, dan kali terakhir aku memandu, aku terlibat dalam kemalangan. Aku kurang keyakinan. Jadi kami ke Stadium UiTM waktu itu, kerana si senior berbaju Melayu jarang ada di situ dan menyuruh kami ke sana. Selesai segala macam persembahan dan countdown, senior itu mengambil alih tugas memanduku dan ke Kuala Lumpur kami menuju. Malam itu pertama kali aku duduk semeja dengan senior-senior lain, waktu kami di Pelita.

Lama lepas itu, kami semua mula berbaik-baik, rapat. Dengan senior Screen Technology,Theatre dan juga Arts Management. Dengan senior-senior Artistic Writing agak kurang, sebab mereka jarang kelihatan, sibuk dengan kelompok mereka sendiri. Apabila diberitahu kami adalah pelajar Artistic Writing, pasti mereka terkejut! Kadang-kadang sampai sekarang mereka lupa kami pelajar program itu! Mengapa? Mereka bilang, pelajar Penulisan Artistik, selalunya diam, tak pedulikan orang, manakala kami pula, bising, seronok, tak seperti yang lain.

Hujung-hujung semester 1, aku keluar malam lagi, dengan senior-senior Theatre. Mereka bilang, kami junior-junior pertama yang keluar lepak dengan mereka. Selalunya mereka tak layan. Mereka juga bingung, kenapa mereka boleh berbaik dengan kami. *ketawa* Malam itu meriah! Tambah-tambah dengan adanya si senior kurus kering, Syafik Shukri Jalil yang tak pernah gagal bikin aku gelak sampai semput!

Awal-awal semester 2 pula, aku dijemput keluar dengan senior-senior Screen Technology untuk menyambut ulangtahun si senior berbaju Melayu jarang. Kami ke Petaling Jaya, menyanyi sampai pagi! Dari situ aku mula rapat dengan seorang senior Artistic Writing, Shazroul Farhan. Kami pulang dalam pukul 5 pagi, mungkin? Dan tidur di rumah sewa mereka sementara menunggu pintu masuk kolej dibuka.

Semester 2 agak hambar sebenarnya, kalau hendak dibandingkan dengan semester 1. Senior-senior sibuk mengendalikan Diploma Showcase. Tapi dapat juga aku meluangkan masa dengan beberapa senior-senior lain; waktu mengikuti penggambaran filem pendek CTRL+Z di bawah pengarahan senior wajah seakan Jared Leto. Seakan, bukan sama ya! Dan bagi Diploma Showcase; Here & Now, aku juga berpeluang melibatkan diri dalam beberapa tugasan, sekali gus mendapat lebih banyak pengalaman dalam dunia ini, walaupun aku cuma sekadar pelajar Artistic Writing. Waktu awal-awal semester dulu pula, aku sering bersama senior kurus kering itu, makan bersama, gelak bersama, lepak bersama. Indahnya saat-saat itu.

Kali terakhir aku berpeluang untuk meluangkan masa dengan senior-senior kesayangan ini semua adalah waktu Malam Gala Diploma Showcase. Mereka semua sedih, aku tahu. Aku lihat. Aku faham. Jelas sekali, mereka semua sangat menyayangi satu sama lain. Aku cemburu, melihat ikatan persahabatan mereka yang begitu kuat sekali, sedangkan kami tak langsung begitu. Dan aku sedar, tanpa mereka di sini lagi, semuanya akan lain.

Aku tak tahu lain itu bagus atau tidak. Tapi satu aku pasti, aku akan merindui mereka semua. Semuanya!

Esok aku pulang. Tadi aku duduk semeja dengan Saiful Ismail dan Shazroul Farhan bersama kawan-kawan lain. Indah, tahu? Rasanya sungguh indah dapat bersama mereka kembali.

Sebak, sungguh, aku sangat sebak mahu meninggalkan mereka, dan realiti bahawa mereka akan meninggalkan aku sangat-sangat menyakitkan aku. Aku sedih. Aku mahu menangis. Aku tak mahu mereka pergi.

Tapi aku cuma manusia kecil. Dan aku cuma mampu lihat mereka pergi, meneruskan hidup mereka sambil aku, meneruskan hidup aku.

Selamat jalan, kawan-kawan. Jangan lupa saya di sini ya? :'(

Khamis

2011-04-27T18:53:00.001-07:00

It's Thursday, and surprisingly I haven't gone back home yet. I couldn't finish packing. Yes, I'm procrastinating. But I guess it's okay. I mean, it's not like anybody's going to come fetch me any time soon anyway. Everybody is fucking busy. Dad called the other night, saying they won't be able to come this weekend. He sort of told me to come home by bus, leave the lot of my stuff in KL. Yeah, bummer. Ah, well.

Confusion is taking over me. I'm going back to sleep.

It's winter in me.

2011-04-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

To forget him and move on. That's what people have been telling me. That's what my head has been telling my heart. I know that's what I should do. Why else should I keep up the hope? It's not like I even stand a chance anyway in the first place. Come on. He's practically gone, now.

But if only forgetting and moving on is ever as easy as said.

Him.

2011-04-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know what we are. I don't know what he is. But I know I like him. A lot. It's rather funny though. Of all the people I thought I could fall for, I never thought I could actually fall for this guy. Yes, it was all unexpected. We weren't even friends last semester. But early this year, the lot of us went out to Petaling Jaya for late night karaoke for Epul's birthday, and he was there. He shared a room with us. To be frank, it felt rather awkward at first, because he was too quiet and he refused to sing! We forced him to, and finally he did. Well, he wasn't really a good singer, but at least he tried. *laughs* We spent the night (or shall I say early morning?) at his crib, and when I got back, I realized that he tweeted me something. Well, ever since then, we sort of tweeted each other every day. He came around to hang out every once in a while, and we just grew closer. He poured out his problems to me, and I was always there to listen and cheer him up. It made me feel like I was very important to him, like of all the people, he trusted me. I felt.... appreciated. Yes. I felt important, needed. We were always tweeting one another, to the point that not tweeting him just felt so.... wrong. There was always much to talk about with him, he was always there. One day, he were tweeting and joking around, he randomly told me he loves me. It felt awkward and exciting at the same time. I didn't really know if he meant it. But I hoped he did. He didn't speak to me for quite some time after I replied back a silly respond. It felt terrible! But then we were back on track again. There were so many signs, but I don't know if he meant all those, or if those were all just coincidences. Then came the Gala Night. He told me he couldn't make it, because of certain family issues that came up. And the night before he was sort of mad at me over something. Just as I signed in into the party, he arrived. I was, both, surprised and excited. I didn't say anything to him, though. But once I was seated at my table, he came over and said hi. We didn't hang out much that night, but towards the end of the party, as everybody was crying and hugging each other, I came up to him, standing all alone. He hugged me, for what seemed like a thousand years to me. Holding his hand, I told him I like him. Yes, I finally told him. And left. He was surprised? I don't even know. The whole night all of us were hanging out, he just acted as usual. As if nothing happened. I don't know. My friends told me to wait. So I did. But up till now he never spoke of it. He's still being himself. Still in the flirting zone. Or maybe that's just how he is? Naturally flirty? Probably. Although I really hope not. Or maybe he's a player? No way. He couldn't be. I know he's not. Well. I went out with him yesterday. Well, what I thought was supposed to be a date, didn't really turn out to be a date at all. Apparently another guy joined us as well. He didn't tell me that. Well, he didn't get to treat me Starbucks, as planned. But we did watch SCRE4M. It was okay, but it triggered the urge in me to kill somebody. When we got back, we had dinner together and sat there for, like, 4 hours, just talking to each other, about basically everything! Yes, we have fun when we're together and I just can't stop liking him. Not even a bit. But when I got home, he acted like he didn't want to talk to me. He sort of avoided me. Even today. I have no idea why. And somehow he kept on retweeting my tweets, which sort of annoyed me because when I said something to him, he didn't even reply. I was pissed off. And now I just don't know what to do but I feel like killing somebody. Literally. Why does it have to be so hard? I don't even know what I'm waiting for. I don't even know if I'm reading the right signs. Or if there was a sign for me in the first place. I don't even know if he likes me. And he's definitely not making this easy for me. I mean, if you don't like me that way, just tell me. At least I won't have to wait for you. At least I know for real that I don't stand a chance. And if you like me, tell me! Let's be happy together, forget all others. Just get rid of your ego, because I got rid of mine. Just... please.... Don't leave me hanging like this. Because your ignorance hurts the most.

So do you like me back, or do you just think of me as just a friend?

Either way, we'll work it out.

Because it's much better to know that I misread the signs, than to wait for something that I don't even know of to happen.

2011-04-25T04:30:00.000-07:00

It's Monday. And I have finished my BEL 260 examination, which means, farewell, Semester 2, hello, holidays!

I smell the ocean breeze already.

Diploma Showcase Gala Night 2011

2011-04-23T03:29:00.001-07:00

Date: April 16 2011

Venue: Monterez Country and Golf Club

Theme: Elegance & Glamorous

I know I said I didn't want to go, but come on, it's our seniors' night, how can I not go? Okay, before you come the conclusion that I am a stuck up to my seniors, let me put this clear. I have been invited to come to this Gala Night. Well, I've been put under the must-come list, actually, by the monster, Saiful Ismail, who keeps calling me, forcing me to come. Well, I have to say, it was all unnecessary. He should've known that by all means, we would've come. And we did.

And we had lots of fun. Yes, indeed.

I drove there, bringing along Daniella, Nazrin, Efan and Esman. We were quite late, because the car was out of fuel and hell knows why, it must only be refuelled with Shell. So we had to drive all the way to Section 13 (?) and to our bad luck, the traffic was moving super duper slow. We arrived about an hour late. But I decided I was fashionably late, literally.

And I was quite happy that we live in Malaysia, because when we arrived, the party hasn't yet started. Once we were seated, the hosts started the event and we had our meals while watching the premier of the four short films produced by them for their Diploma Showcase.

And I have to say, of all four, CTRL+Z was the best one!

And I'm not saying that just because I was part of the production team or because I was in it. Hell, I looked ugly in it. Why would I like something that makes me look ugly, eh? Back to the point, the short film was fabulously interesting. Kudos to Oden; the director, and Belle; the script writer, and also to the rest of the production team. I love you all.

The same goes to the other three teams, you guys did a hell of a good job, and I'm very impressed! Rembat, Januari and Voodoo were amazing! I enjoyed every single one of them. You guys are crazy talented! I am soooo jealous.

And there were some live performances by some super seniors, and towards the end there was a montage; pictures of the three years they've spent here in this faculty. And everybody started crying, literally! I was lucky enough I managed to hold back my tears. I couldn't handle all the sadness. Everybody started hugging each other, I couldn't help but to feel very sad as well.

My seniors aren't going to be here anymore next semester.

Okay, I'm not going to get to that part. Nevertheless, after the party was over, most of us went over to Asia Cafe, Kota Damansara, just for the sake of hanging out. I was sort of late, somehow. Then some others and I moved to Rahmath Bistro in Alam Budiman because we were kind of hungry, and I ended up sleeping in the car.

It was a seriously fun fun fun night, and I shall never forget this, ever.

You guys are the best seniors and friends ever :')

How cool do we look up there? LOL.

Yes, I'm a casanova!

The Screen Technology seniors.

All of us ♥

And as well, with Oden, Wan B, Nazrin and Daniella.

I'm totally going to miss you guys :'(

Monodrama Workshop , KaryaOne Week 2011

2011-04-22T20:48:00.000-07:00

I'm sort of late in posting this, but fuckyeah the KaryaOne Week is over! And our Monodrama Workshop was a blast! Everybody had fun, and yes, they all loved our facilitator; Fared Ayam. Who wouldn't love him? He was funny, easy going and thought us something we could most definitely relate to; not just by reading aloud from a book. We were a success; despite the fact that we did encounter with some problems with the KaryaOne people and some complaints by the lecturers. But yeah, WE WERE A SUCCESS! And I for one, am very happy!

The super cool Fared Ayam.

The man that had gave us a lot to think about that day.

Ayam and Agi; the cool guy meets the cool guy.

And yes, us, cam-whoring.

I'm sure we could've done better, but this was already fabulous enough. Countless thanks to Encik Syahrul Fithri Musa, Puan Hajah Lina Che Wan, my super awesome classmates, a part of the KaryaOne people that did some helping, Faculty of Artistic and Creative Technology and all the participants for coming and joining in on the fun. And last but not least, thank you Fared Ayam for being there, pouring out knowledge for us, feeding us with new experience. You're awesome!

I can't wait till the next time we handle any events. And this just goes to show that even though we're Artistic Writing kids, we can handle events too! Hellyeah!

And I don't have much to say about the KaryaOne Week. Well, actually I do, too much, actually, so I decide not to talk about it. I would rather not lose my temper here.

*breathes*

I'm smiling :)

Nobody's type.

2011-04-10T06:08:00.000-07:00

I'm pathetic. I feel pathetic. Why do the guys I like always turn their backs on me? This isn't the first time, who knows how many times this has happened? *sigh* I realized that I am one unlucky girl when it comes to boys. Seemingly I am nobody's type. Of course, why would I even expect to become anybody's type in the first place? I'm no pretty-lady. I'm rather big-sized. Tanned. I sort of noticed most people here tend to fall for those fair, skinny girls in skimpy skirts and tube-tops. I sound a bit judgemental here, but look around! And who'd fall for a girl who laughs too hard, a girl who talks too loud, a girl who doesn't prance around when she walks, a girl who doesn't have cute words to say, who doesn't seem to know how to show she cares, who doesn't seem to know how to react to affection, nor show affection, like me? As I said before, I am nobody's type.

When I've finally fallen for somebody, really really really fallen, I find out he likes someone else. I find out that he's not into me. I find out that he's gay (yes, it has happened before!). I find out that I have no hope, whatsoever, howsoever, to be with him. It always turns out wrong. It always does.

Have I no hope? Am I that bad in being a lady?

I need therapy. I'm heartbroken. Crushed. Again.

2011-04-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

I think I slept for 12 hours last night. I think I fell asleep around 10 something and woke up today at 10 something. And it was a totally good relief, even without the AC.

So it's Sunday, and we've got a Research Writing replacement class. Screw you! I don't feel like going, but I have to go, because I need to ask the lecturer to extend the dateline until after study week. He wanted us to send it on Monday of study week. Come on, people are looking forward to go home! You can't expect us to stick around here, can you? PFFFT.

So yeah, let's talk about the Diploma Showcase. First up, 1 Plastik Hitam was amazing and entertaining! I couldn't help myself from laughing throughout the whole play! It was a very good play with very good messages. And even when you can't read the messages portrayed, don't worry, you can still enjoy the play as it is! Datuk Harimau; an experimental stage play was also very interesting. It was thrilling, as well. I didn't really get some parts, but I assure you, it was one good play! Mozek portrayed the different lives of different characters living in Malaysia, so each actor had several parts to play. I was amazed at their ability to get into one character and change to another one right at that exact moment. It definitely showed them how good they were as actors in portraying feelings and emotions. They play was shorter than the other three, but I loved it. Hujung Dunia was an interesting play as well, but I couldn't really feel it in me. The actors were great! But somehow I just couldn't really get into the play. Probably because of the background music that kept on playing throughout the whole show. It sort of made me feel quite melancholic; thus leading me to feel bored and sleepy. But overall, it was still a good play with good messages portrayed.

All the plays were good in their own ways, all the actors were awesome, and I'm not saying that just because they're my friends/seniors! You should catch all four as well, today! Or you'd be missing out on these really good, original plays by FACT's own lecturers and students!

Also, you could catch another stage play by our faculty, Honours Stage: Muzikal Kampung Baru at Auditorium Dewan Bandaraya Kuala Lumpur. And yes, it's a musical. It was deep, with great messages. I even cried a bit when they came to a part that sort of related to me. Gosh! But I have to admit, there were some parts that were boring, but the music was nice! Some songs were catchy, some songs, just didn't make sense to me. But the choreography was awesome!

I'd better get ready now. I'm going to go to watch the showcase again, since it's their final day and I just want to be there! LOL.

Tomorrow starts KaryaOne Week. I'm screwed.

Posters.HotGuy.CrazyCars.CurvyRoads.Showcase.CrazyCar.

2011-04-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

I'd been feeling really fatigue, probably since I don't get enough sleep or rest. It'd been a long while since I'd gone home, not KL, not Kemaman, and I have to say, I miss them a lot. When all this is over with, I'm going to go home and sleep naked in the air-conditioned room, on my soft, comfortable bed and hide under the warm blankets! Okay, so maybe not naked. LOL.

Time flew by so fast, KaryaOne Week starts in one day! ONE DAY! Which means two days left to our Monodrama Workshop. Oh God! Everything's in a rush, everything's going crazy. Heck, I'm going even crazier than I'd ever been before! University life is hard! Struggling with assignments, handling events, attending events, going to theatres, and what not? It might sound fun, and yes it is, but I assure you, at the end of the day, you'd just wish you'd gotten married to a rich man/woman and just live out a life of luxury! This is all too exhausting, and I'm not even an Arts Management student!

Last Wednesday was one hectic day. I missed Puan Marleeny's last class that morning because I overslept, then went out to Plaza Alam Sentral with Athina, Ija and Paan to take our class t-shirts. When we got back, Athina had to rush to catch the bus with the Showcase crew to DBP. Poor thing, because right after, we distributed the tees, and had our class photo taken for UiTM's yearbook, DESTINI. That evening, after English class, Atika, Umie, Ayu, Nad and I went over to the main campus to settle out poster problems and such. Something happened when I was driving the car, trying to turn at a junction, that made me go freaking excited for the whole evening! You should know that the main campus is fucking big with steep, narrow, curvy roads. Somehow the people there drive so insanely! Nevertheless, hanging out with the girls was freaking fun! We had early dinner at Section 7, at a place called Nasi Lemak Cinta Sayang before heading back to our campus. I headed straight up to my room, because supposedly I had to be ready by 7.30p.m because I needed to go to KL with Amir and Aisyah to meet up with the facilitator for our workshop, Fared Ayam. If you don't know who that is, google him. We arrived at KL Central quite late, because we had to turn back to college because I sort of left some important documents I was supposed to give him. Anyhow, he was a super, duper amazing person! I wished there were more people like him around. LOL. When the meeting was over, Amir, Aisyah and I headed off to NZ Jalan Ampang because we were starving, before heading back to college. When we got back, we sort of had to climb through the gates because we didn't want to get fined for coming back late. I am such a bad ass MUAHAHAHA!

Anyhow, Faculty of Artistic and Creative Technology's last Diploma Showcase had started, since Thursday and will have its final shows tomorrow, April 10th 2011 at the Auditorium of Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka Kuala Lumpur! There are four stageplays, and you could catch all four tomorrow for only RM30!

(click to enlarge)

I'd watched all four plays, all for free! *laughing like a psychopath*

The first two shows I watched on Thursday; Hujung Dunia by Aminah Raphor and 1 Plastik Hitam by Syahrul Fithri Musa. I was the host on that day. The two others; Datuk Harimau by Umi Kalsom and Mozek by Professor Chesly J. Skinner I watched on the next night with Mira Cikcit, technically went there with Mukmin @ McKenzie.

Hanging out with the two arts management kids was awesome. We had so much fun giggling and laughing and making Mukmin listen to Cikcit and me talk about girl stuff. You know, all lovey-dovey emotion shit. Turns out Cikcit and I had so much in common! After the show, when we were on our way back to college, we stopped at a petrol station near Section 13 to buy drinks. When we got back into the car, the car won't start. We tried filling it up with petrol, still wouldn't start. We tried taking a look at the engine, but none of us knew what we were looking at. So yeah, we were basically screwed. What made it more worse for me was the fact that I needed to pee, badly and the loo there was out of service. Damn you people! After a long while there, I tried calling Epul but couldn't reach him. Then I called Eroul and asked for his help. Moments later, an older man on a scooter came by and helped us look at the engine. Right after, another man stopped his car and took a better look at the engine, and talked engine stuff. I zoned out and focused on trying to not to focus on wanting to pee. It made the urge to pee even worse. Soon, Eroul arrived with the jumper thingy. They tried to recharge the battery or something, but ended up burning the fuse instead. Alas, there was no more hope. Whilst they dudes were trying to figure things out, Eroul took me to the nearest Petronas because I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Screw you, gall bladders! Well, when we got back, Azra was already there, with her mum and a Chinese mechanic. The Chinese dude tried to fix up the car - I think he was replacing the fuse or something, and finally the car managed to start. Alhamdulillah. And it was already 3.00a.m! Thank God the guard let us in when the boys dropped us off in front of the gate.

Funny, isn't it? I guess it just goes to show that you can never expect things to happen to you.

More updates later. Needs some catching up to do!

Berdua gila

2011-04-05T10:51:00.001-07:00

Kadang-kadang aku tunggu kau muncul

kau hilang

Entah ke mana

Dah tiba-tiba, waktu aku

tak menjangkakan kau ada

kau datang

gembirakan hati aku

walau cuma dengan kata-kata.

Ya, kau tak selalu ada

Pada masa sama

Kau selalu ada

Senyuman terukir walau kau tak di depan mata

Tapi kau muncul dalam bayangan jiwa

Bila kau mahu pergi?

Sebab mereka sudah mula kata

Aku gila!

Tapi sebenarnya, aku tak mahu kau pergi

Aku mahu kau datang

Dekat dengan aku

Senyum dengan aku

Biar mereka kata

Kita berdua gila!

Walaupun sebenarnya,

Kita berdua dilamun cinta.

Jasmine, 2011

*Kau beritahu aku sekarang, bagaimana aku mahu lupakan kau? Aku sudah terlanjur menyayangi. :')

I wanted you :')

2011-04-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

Progress?

Nothing, actually. I've been sort of distracted. Screw me for that. Heh.

Distracted by what, actually? There's no Astro, no TV, no source of entertainment whatsoever here. So how could I get distracted? Ah well, there's the book I've been reading. And also Twitter & Facebook. You're all evil! Evil, I tell you!

I've been having dreams lately in my sleep. Dreams of him telling me things every girl wants to hear. Last night I dreamt of him texting me 'I wanted you.' I might sound pathetic right now. I know I am. But I can't help myself, even though technically they're just dreams. Nothing more. In reality he's not doing anything. Am I stupid for waiting for him to make the first move? Because I don't think I am. I don't want to make a fool out of myself, yet I don't want to lose him without a fight. I said I'll move on and get over him. How can I not develop those feelings even more when we are constantly bumping into and tweeting each other? I don't want to avoid him, I don't. I just want these feelings to go away, so that I won't have to go through another heartbreak. Daniella says I'm wanting him to chase after me. Fact is, I'm not even running. I'm here. Static. Motionless. Waiting. I don't want to play the chasing game, it's too tiring. I just want us to sit down to coffee (probably tea or chocolate for me) and just talk. He can pop out the question then. He should know that I'd say yes. Because I want him. I need him.

I don't want to pollute my head in this, but he's always there. He's roaming around freely in my veins and I like the sensation. I just want to know if he feels the same.

Money issues are still holding me back. I'd make it up to my parents during the semester break. I'll do something and gain something. Maybe I could teach little kids English? That'd be great, and of my expertise. Not saying that I'm an expert in English, but at least it's something I'm quite good at. And yes, the idea of the book shall go on. I can't wait to publish my very first book, even though a very short one :)

Ah, well. I'd better run now. There are matters that needs settling to, and I need to finish them, fast!

More money flow.....

2011-04-02T03:26:00.000-07:00

I just reached back to my room when a friend + senior called me, asking to see me. Down I went again, to meet him. He was telling me of the Screening & Gala Night for the screen diploma showcase. They're going to be screening all four of their short films, and afterwards they'll be having an afterparty. Theme? Red carpet glamour! Sounds fun eh? And he wants me to come and join them, as well as the other juniors they inducted. I am already looking forward to it. The only problem is; I'd have to pay RM100 to go, and besides that, I'd have to find a glamorous dress to suit the theme. Now, I wonder, where am I going to get that amount of money? I'm sure it's all worth it, but, seriously, right now all I'm doing is spending and spending and spending like hell. And it is totally not my fault! Should there be less events this time around, I'd probably get to save more and money wouldn't be flowing away from me even faster than water!

*breathe*

So it seems I have a new agenda to fit into my calendar. If I go to this screening night, that'd mean I won't be able to have any end of semester trips with the friends. Because by then, I am most definitely sure that we'd all be fucking broke. Okay, so maybe not them, but yeah, I'd be freaking broke!

God, help me!

Nothing

2011-04-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

I'm really addicted to the Script's Nothing.

'I wanted words but all I heard was nothing'

I'm starting to give up on him and me. It's not my nature to give up so easily on something, but somehow I just don't think it's worth holding on to. He'll be gone soon, and by the looks of it, I don't think he'd ever look back. And I don't just want to be somebody he'll forget the minute he steps out of college. I don't want to be left behind in the dusts of his past. It's not like he's making an effort anyway. Well, he's talking to me again. We're back to normal. But that's just about it. Nothing special. Maybe he just doesn't feel the same way. Maybe he thinks I'm not worth it. It's his loss, then.

And in the meantime, I shall be getting busy with stuff around college. We have less than two weeks left to the KaryaOne Week, and before that we'll be having the Diploma Showcase as well. Honor Stagings have started, but I don't think I'll be attending. I've got too much on my hands at the moment, and a little bit short on cash.

I'm thinking of writing a book during the semester break soon. Not too long of a book, but a book. I could sell it and gain some extra cash to buy stuff. I really think I need to prove something. I don't like it when people look down on me. This includes my parents as well. They probably think that writing course and career I'm involved in is crap, that it won't get me anywhere. I don't blame them. But I'll prove them wrong. And this time, yes, I'll let them read my writings. I'm very much aware that I'm not that much, I'm still very much an amateur but hey, everybody's got to start off somewhere, don't they?

Also, I have recently found out that despite the fact that we are going to be crazy busy handling the workshop, our class also has to get involved in the Security Department of KaryaOne Week. My reaction at first? 'WTF?!' Probably it was an exaggeration, but come on, why only now are they telling us? Thank God the one in charge of the Security Department was an acquaintance, and he as well, just found out that we had to work under him. Ah well, I don't wish to frown, it does not lead me anywhere anyway. Now I am sort of excited with the thoughts of me becoming a bouncer, literally. I must look very cool! HOHOHOHOHO. Okay, I think I just lost my coolness. Heh.

Anyhows, I went out with Wanie and Haz last night. It was the first time ever I went out with my housemates, and it was fun! We had McDonald's at PKNS before roaming around SACC Mall and Plaza Alam Sentral. I have to say, Shah Alam is sort of boring, but it's okay if you have your friends with you. I was really attracted to this one dress from British India, but I was reminded that I need to save up.

Besides, I had to buy a black outfit for the Malam Gala Minggu KaryaOne so I need to control my money flow, like, super, super tight!

But..... I just remembered; I need a new chapstick and foundation. Mum & Dad, when are you guys coming back to KL?

2011-03-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

Kalau boleh tarik balik air mata yang menitis jatuh di pipi dari mata ke tanah, mungkin, mungkin aku buat. Tapi ombak takkan menghempas pantai lagi. Kereta takkan bergerak ke depan lagi. Api takkan menyala lagi. Dan semuanya akan lebih kelam. Kabut. Dan aku fikir kembali; mungkinkah?

(Deanna, 2011)

Skrip teater tradisional Mak Yong sudah siap! Alhamdulillah. Sekarang hampir pukul 2 pagi. Sudah lama tak berjaga sampai lewat malam begini. Tipu? Benar! Aku tidur agak awal sekarang. Selalunya pukul 12 tengah malam aku sudah lentok di bantal RM10 yang aku beli di Tesco beberapa minggu lalu. Murah, tapi selesa!

Aku sedar, belakangan ini aku sering menulis di sini. Bagus, bukan? Aku perlu mengimprovisasi tulisan-tulisan aku. Aku semakin kekurangan idea untuk menulis. Dan kini aku dapati aku lebih senang menulis tatkala aku sedih, murung, patah hati, marah, kecewa ataupun kesal. Sekarang, semua perasaan itu bergolak dalam jiwa aku.

Ya, sedih ya hidup aku, menangis kerana seorang lelaki. Lelaki yang aku pasti tidak pasti punya perasaan sama atau tak dengan aku. Lelaki yang aku tidak pasti orientasinya. Lelaki yang aku tidak berapa kenal. Lelaki yang aku langsung tak berusaha untuk memperjuangkan perasaannya. Ah, kau! Entah-entah dia langsung tak perasan kau, Deanna!

Sekarang berhubung pun tidak dengannya. Dan benar apa orang kata "absence makes the heart fonder"

Entahlah. Makin lama makin sakit. Tapi aku boleh buat apa? Konfrontasi? Aku paling lemah dalam perkara ini! Untuk orang lain, konfrontasi dan konversasi merupakan cara terbaik untuk selesaikan satu satu masalah. Tapi bagi aku, dua perkara inilah yang selalunya membuatkan benda benda sekeliling menjadi lebih rumit!

Aku berharap dia datang. Benar, aku berharap. Aku mahu.

**********************

Cukuplah dengan segala permainan ini. Kadang-kadang memang seronok, tapi ada masanya perlu serius juga, bukan? Sebagai seorang ketua, aku tak tahu jika aku bagus atau tidak. Aku sering merasakan aku tidak layak. Tapi naluri seorang ketua itu sudah mengalir dalam darah. Alhamdulillah, setakat ini, semua perkara berjalan lancar. Aku bersyukur!

Minggu ini, minggu depan, semuanya akan jadi gila! Ya, semua sekali! Betapa banyak acara yang akan dijalankan nanti, aku pun tak pasti, tapi aku pasti, ya, semua orang akan jadi gila.

*********************************

Dunia tak perlukan lebih ramai orang gila. Bumi merajuk dengan kita semua, dan kita semua masih merungut semakin hari semakin panas?

2011-03-29T00:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's the day we submit our traditional theatre script, and yet I've only gotten around to it a few hours ago. I'm almost done, though. I just need to type it out and print it. It might not be perfect, but so far I am quite satisfied with it. It just needs a couple of adjustments which I'm going to fix when typing it.

Ah well. Next week as well, we have to submit our Biography (and that means Autobiography for me as well, since I am late on that) and our documentary script. I checked out my carry marks for the TV Script class today, and I am most definitely very happy about it - especially on my individual assignment. Woohoo!

Things are turning out quite good for me today. I met up with Encik Syahrul and discussed some matters with him, I saw Mr Khong, like, 4 times today, and as usual he look absolutely stunning! I'll get around to marrying him soon. I'd better put that in my to-do list before I forget, but in this case, how could I ever forget? LOL I'm joking!

My seniors; the ones handling and involved in the Diploma Showcase are really having a tough time, it seems. And so are we. I guess we're all having a hard time dealing with the end of the semester, aren't we?

And realizing that this semester is almost over, I also realize that I have very little time left with my seniors. And we're all so fucking busy now, I don't know when we are going to sit together around one table and have dinner together, just like old times.

And of course, the thought of not seeing 'him' again hurts the most. And what with all this going on, how am I going to deal with this?

Okay, I need to stop thinking of him and start focusing. I've very little time left. I hope I'll be able to find the time for everything.

And I hope everything turns out better. God willing. InsyaAllah :')

2011-03-28T06:22:00.000-07:00

I just want things to be the way it was, between us. Of course, I've always wanted us to become more than that, but I never intended it to be this way.

I miss you.

I just hope things would turn out to be okay eventually. I don't blame you. Not at all. I'm just, really confused.

How did everything that seemed right turn into something so wrong, in just a few seconds?

I don't understand.

I miss you. A lot.

And maybe, I'm finally starting to realize, that now that I'm losing you, I'm starting to believe that........

I love you too.

Lights out.

2011-03-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

I may be pathetic, but oh well, I'm honest. Can't do much about it, eh?

I've been going crazy. I feel like I should go on a diet, just for the sake of it. Hm.

Only a couple of weeks left before we have to submit our assignments,

and most of mine, well, suck. And are not finished yet.

Thank you, Deanna for procrastinating.

Therefore I'm not going to let this lovey dovey matter get in the way of things.

I know better than to screw my assignments just because my heart is screwed.

Besides all those assignments we still have to settle things for the workshop.

I might just be going to Kuala Lumpur to meet up with the facilitator,

just to set and clears things off.

And knowing him, I can't wait!

So yeah. I bought new flats yesterday.

Wore them today and they are sooooooo comfortable. I like them a lot!

Anyhow, the Earth Hour celebration here in Puncak Perdana was like hell.

Nobody switched off their lights, like, WTF?

One hour for every year, and even that they can't do? Awesome -____-"

I actually had to go out to the park nearby just for the sake of enjoying the darkness.

Even nobody there took part in Earth Hour.

They all should be ashamed!

Yes, that was the worst Earth Hour experience I've ever had. Heh.

And as for today, a Sunday, the Part 2 student had to attend this so-called module thing.

My advice; next time, when talking about effective communication, pick a better speaker!

Beh. But the group sessions were okay.

Our facilitator was one hell of an enthusiastic woman to the point that we were the last group to finish.

So now; I'm really, really tired. I should really get some shut eyes because life, starting from tomorrow will most definitely be a struggle. Finals are nearing. And I just can't wait to go back home.

I miss them too much ;(

2011-03-27T07:11:00.000-07:00

What I did after my last break up? I got hospitalized, went through surgery, literally cried every single night (and day as well), and almost lost faith. No, not in God. Faith in myself. I didn't think I'd make it through back then. Well, then I read a book.

"It's Called A Break Up Because It's Broken"

The book was lent by a very good friend of mine, because she'd been the same thing. In fact, everybody had gone through it - this break up thing. The book did clear my mind. It helped me how to go through and handle the break up. True, I wasn't healed overnight, but it certainly helped, by the lot.

Then I started to get depressed again. I was in Kuala Lumpur then. I even popped antidepressants and sleeping pills because of it. I admit, I was kind of dumb of me to succumb to my reckless emotions. Then my cousin Sarah advised me to find a book. But I was somehow broke at the moment, so we downloaded the movie.

"He's Just Not That Into You"

'If a guy wants to be with a girl, he will make it happen, no matter what.' I realized that back then. And now I still hold on to it. That movie also had been one of the things that made me think of everything in a totally different perspective. Love isn't like a fairytale, of course. It's not as simple as it's made to be seen.

And sooner and sooner and later, before I know it, I was already over the guy who broke my heart into a gazillion pieces. I even wondered to myself "This was the dude I thought I was in love with? The dude I cried every night for? Him? Damn, I must've been really high." Yes, I couldn't believe I had such acquaintance with the guy. Now, he's just some fool living somewhere in Malaysia who has my bag, still. Heh.

So after all I've been through, why can't I get over this new guy who just unlocked the key to my heart and left it? What's so special about him, eh?

I'm not going to do anything about it. I'm going to just let this pass, just like the wind. If he wants to go out with me, he will do anything just to ask me out. If he wants me to become his girlfriend, he will do anything to make it happen.

I don't want to burden my head anymore. I'm strong enough to face all this. I'm Deanna, for God's sake.

I'm Deanna.

And I'm ..........

Crying.

Flew like a bird in the clouds, till an arrow shot me down.

2011-03-27T04:04:00.000-07:00

If anyone's noticed, I'd been freaking cheerful and perky lately. I've been smiling a lot to myself, and sometimes I'd randomly laugh like nobody's business. My mind seemed like it was afloat. I couldn't focus on many things.

Why?

I didn't have any explanation for the matter. I was just ....high. All the time.

Somehow every minute, every second of my thoughts, went to.........

Him.

I didn't want to admit it at first, but I couldn't resist any longer.

I'd fallen for a guy.

My heart fell into the traps of love, once again. Yes, I was scared. I can't change that. But yes, I'd fallen again.

I'm always thinking about him. Always wanting to be with him. Always wanting to talk to him.

I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I felt like I was going to burst out into tears.

And I did.....

Last night he stopped communicating. Something happened between me and him. Something that I thought would lead on to better things for us.

I thought wrong, eh?

Something went wrong, I don't know how or where or why or what, but something did go wrong.

Me? I was.........

Devastated.

2011-03-22T21:58:00.000-07:00

Aku tak faham diri aku sendiri. Betul. Pelik, mungkin. Tapi itu yang aku rasa. Aku dah cuba untuk selami diri, selami jiwa aku sendiri. Jawapannya sama. Aku masih tak dapat menyelongkar kotak hati aku sendiri. Buat aku rasa 'pathetic' sangat.

Sekarang, aku tak tahu apa aku mahu. Kadang kadang, aku rasa lebih baik begitu. Tiba tiba aku rasa sebaliknya. Aku keliru, sebenarnya. Tak tahu lagi apa yang boleh aku buat.

Aku ingin pulang. Aku mahu ke pantai. Cari ketenangan. Cari jawapan.

Kesibukan hidup buat aku gila! "Biasalah, hidup universiti" kau kata. Ah, bila pula aku tak pernah sibuk? Bila pula aku tak pernah gila? Dari dulu lagi, aku dipastikan hidup dalam jadual yang padat. Waktu sekolah? Sekolah, kawad, kem, 'tuition' dan macam macam lagi benda yang dihidangkan dalam hidup seharian aku supaya aku tak pernah lapar dari kehidupan seharian.

Tapi oleh kerana itu jugalah, aku jadi gila. Semua benda aku perlu buat, dan masa? Masa tak cintakan aku. Masa tinggalkan aku. Buat aku jadi lebih gila.

Aku tak mahu mengeluh. Kadang kadang hidup itu yang lebih baik untuk aku. Cuma kadang kadang aku tak dapat menahan diri dan bertanya, apa agaknya rasa hidup bebas dari komitmen? Tanpa kesibukan, tanpa batasan. Tanpa orang orang sekeliling memerhati, menunggu waktu kita lakukan kesilapan, walaupun sekecil kuman. Tanpa perlu menjaga hati semua orang.

Tapi, aku........

Tak mungkin dapat semua itu.

2011-03-21T06:25:00.000-07:00

I'm too tired to even say anything.

I've so many things to settle, all before Study Week.

Well, basically, the KaryaOne week, that is.

And I super hate the way the spell 'KaryaOne'. Makes me go WTF everytime.

Hmm.

Suddenly tonight I feel rather sick. I have no idea why.

And lately I've been losing my appetite. Great. Eh, wait, what?

Hm. I still force myself to eat, though.

From what I've learnt through the years, you have to eat, accordingly,

in order to get the nutrients for the body to keep healthy.

And Alhamdulillah,

I can still eat, of course. It just so happens that I don't feel hungry.

And maybe that's a good thing?

I totally have no idea regarding this.

What's on my mind?

FLATS.

SNEAKERS.

TEE-SHIRTS.

SHORTS.

BOARD SHORTS.

BAGS.

DRESSES.

LIPSTICK.

BLUSHER.

HATS.

Okay, I'm sidetracking. Hmm.

Dad told me we were going to go diving in May.

You could not imagine my reaction to it.

I practically died and gone to ocean heaven!

Weeeeeeeeeee :D

Yes, I've gone nuts.

Goodnight, love.

XOXO.

Chief Petty Officer Deanna Ishak.

2011-03-21T05:01:00.000-07:00

You people seriously have to watch World Invasion: Battle Los Angeles. It felt so great watching it, to the point where I actually miss my Navy days and reminded myself that I still have that dream to become part of the Navy. It hadn't died. I still want to serve my country, in the best way that I can.

I want to die a noble person who inspired people all around.

I was going through old photos, photos during school, photos during the Navy days, photos when I was actually thinner (yes, seriously! I couldn't believe my eyes!), photos when Myspace was a pretty huge deal, and photos of me when I was a little girl.

Ah, those photos sure did bring back those nostalgic days to mind. Especially those Navy days. I've learnt so much from the times I spent for it. True, the tan is still here, but because I joined it, I actually have real discipline in myself. Not much, but I certainly don't hunch and slouch when I walk. I certainly know how to work in a group. I stand tall when our national anthem is playing. And those might seem like really ridiculous things to you, but seriously, these days, how many do you see actually standing straight during the anthem? How many do you think turn and face their leader?

Hey, I'm actually human, now. I've always knew military ways were definitely a good way to train teenagers into becoming a better person. As for me, I miss those marching days, those shooting times, going sailing, learning how to yacht. Good times, good times. Now that I have no more of those exciting activities, well, life seems rather average to me. And I am one hell of a fat person now.

Yeah, I try my best to spice up my life, try to make use of average things into amazing things. But things just don't get as exciting as those days.

You know the feeling when you're on the water on your small yacht, where you, yourself, have to be in control of your boat, or you'll fall into the deep sea? The wind is your friend, and the ocean does not harm you, it's helping you. You're in control.

That's the feeling I miss.

Angin tak bertiup, buat apa pokok bergoyang.

2011-03-15T04:10:00.000-07:00

It's as simple as that.

See, I'm the kind of person who appreciates my friendships. I love my friends, a lot. So yeah, everybody has flaws, and me, being very hot tempered, I try my best to avoid conflict. I've improved myself a lot over the years, and I know that giving in to conflict is not worth it when it comes to friendships. I've a super huge ego, I admit. But I've learnt a lot from the past that it's best not to succumb to this ego of mine. I've had my fair share of arguments with friends when I was in school. Definitely not a thing I'm proud of. Because, well, friends are friends. They're there for you when you need them, they care for you, they laugh with you when you're happy, and the cry with you when you're down. They're always there. They aren't the same as boyfriends or girlfriends, come and go just like that. Friends are there to stay.

As I said, I have a massive ego and I am very hot tempered, hard-headed. You mess with me, I'll make your life feels like hell on Earth. But when it comes to friends, well, let's just say I value my friendship more than my ego. Laugh, you might not believe me. But it's the truth. Why? Because I'm a loner. I've been brought up with busy parents, and I barely see my brothers. Even if we're under the same roof, even if we go out together, I'd still be the loner that I am. And who do I turn to, if not friends?

I don't have that many friends, I admit. At least not many that I open up to. Admittedly it's hard for me to open up to people, so I guess that's why people don't take me seriously. They look at me and probably think "Hey, this girl is so happy all the time." I wish. I really wish. Hmm. The only reason I keep smiling are my friends.

And that's why I value my friendships; A LOT. I try my best to become a good friend. I try to listen to them, help them at their most dire need, in whatsoever ways possible. Too bad not everybody values me as their friend. Maybe I don't deserve it, I mean, of course, I am most definitely not perfect, now am I? I'm flawed, too flawed. But believe me, I try. I try so hard. People just don't know it. To the point that they think they can step on my head and kill me. No. No, I am not that stupid. Because to think about it, a real friend would never do that, would they?

I would stand my ground if I'm right. I would admit I'm wrong if I am. And if I walk away, let's just say, I value too much of my friendship to the point that I don't want to be standing there fighting over something, that's not even worth it. Friendships are worth saving.

And if you don't want to be my friend anymore, I'll respect you over your decision.

2011-03-14T06:06:00.000-07:00

Complicated complications.

Yes. That's me. Well, of course, as regular human beings we are all made up of complications, no? But I guess there'd been sort of a screw up when I was still in my mum's womb, hence I am way more complicated than people could ever think. Heck, I can't even explain it, because it's too complicated!

I've been busy. Like, really busy to the point that I only found out about that tsunami hitting Japan news on Saturday night. Pathetic, isn't it? Of course, I haven't been one who used to care craps of the world, but hey, this is a big thing. Sigh.

I'd been at the Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka, Kuala Lumpur all Friday long. There was this press conference thingy going on for the Diploma Showcase, and I was the MC with Abang Taufiq. Things didn't go out really great for us, but I got compliments from many lecturers right after. I felt quite happy. There weren't that much press that attended the thing, and the ones who came were, well, let's just say, they were passive. No wonder the theatre industry in Malaysia is weak. Somebody needs to work on that, pronto! After the conference was done, and we'd all packed up, we waited for our bus to arrive at the stairs of the entrance. Apai was playing the guitar and suddenly some Japanese tourists came about and clapped their hands in excitement. Well, let's just say all that ended up with us performing the Dikir Barat, very roughly though. Those tourists were very lucky to have bumped into us. When we arrived in college, I just went up to my room and passed out, just like that.

The next day, Daniella and I went over to KLCC to watch Rango. Yes, we watched it already and it was super duper freaking awesome! FUCKYEAH! And let's just put it this way, my parents are soooooo jealous because I watched it first and they hadn't got the time to watch it yet. I was meaning to buy flats, but I just, well, went crazy, I suppose? I mean, come on, who wouldn't go crazy after checking out so many shoes? I am such a girl. LOL. I went straight home to Nanny's, where the cousins were oh-so-excited to see me, probably because I bought them doughnuts. That night, I went out with Sya, since she's around in KL and I miss her a lot. She picked me up, and we wandered around WangsaWalk, where she bought an iPod Touch. Apparently Wanie Razak and Peli were there too, but they were watching a movie, so we didn't get to meet them. Anyhow, Sya and I just hanged out at PappaRich at Sri Rampai until hell's know what time. When I got back, yeah, I passed out, again.

It'd been a freaking long weekend, just like last weekend. Oh, I haven't really updated that, now, have I?

Well, I followed Oden's short film shooting along with Athina, Daniella and Efan. And it was fun! Seriously, it was really fun!

The first two days, the shooting was done at Kak Suraya's house, which was somewhere in the housing area near college. We didn't have to do much, but we did learn lots of new things, of course. And on Sunday, the shooting was held at the Engineering Complex , UiTM Shah Alam. Well, I got to be an extra, we all did, and I swear it was freaking fun! And we got name tags from Unisel, in which all our names were Mohd Haikal. LOL.

Ah, well, now I'm back in Puncak Perdana, and the school kids are on holiday, which is most definitely unfair. I mean, people, hello? I need my break too! I've been longing to go back to Kemaman and just sleep, but since I don't have a long weekend or something like that, I guess that just isn't going to happen.

It's the middle of March, which means I have less than a month to prepare for the Monodrama Workshop we're organizing. And still I have to finish up loads of assignments and such. GOSH!

Which reminds me; I want to go clubbing, just to get my mind off of things. Too bad nobody here would take me. Hmm.

Kids; so eager to grow up, it makes me sad.

2011-03-12T19:06:00.000-08:00

I've never been one who was eager to grow up.

Well, maybe when I was young, I felt like it, not because I want to wear make-up and go shopping though. It was merely because I wanted to go out and explore the world, meet people, try new food and activities. I just wanted to travel.

But having mixed around with older people, I realized that, well, what's the point in wanting to grow up? Even grown ups want to come back to their childhood. So why are we so eager to grow up?

Being a grown up is hard. You'd barely have the time of the day. You have so many things to think about; loans, bills, food, lodge, health, insurance etc.

Trust me, being a grown up is hard.

Whereas being a kid, well, all you have to worry about is the homework you're going to have to pass up the next day. And come on, how hard can Maths be?

Okay, so I'm not that bright. I was pretty dumb when dealing with Chemistry, Additional Maths, and History. They were definitely not my thing. But come on, they weren't that bad!

I've had lots of my grown up friends telling me to savour and cherish all the childhood days I have, because those are the days I'll never get again, those are the days I'll be craving for, longing for, when I come home from work at 11pm, crying.

I did. I enjoyed all the time I had in school. I got myself involved in a lot of things - even Syarahan Agama! Surprised?

And even after all the fun I've had in school, after all the entertainment I had before I moved out into college, I still miss those days a lot!

And somehow, I just don't get why kids here and there are going around dressed up like grown ups and trying to act like one. Do they not know how precious their childhood is? Why are they so eager?

So eager to drive. So keen to wear make-up. Why? What's the point in all that?

Before I entered college, I had Starbucks at least once a week. I watched movies every weekends. I travelled here and there a lot. I could eat almost everything I wanted. I stayed up late at night and watched cartoons. I went to school and annoyed teachers and students. I played around in the rain with my friends. We cut extra class. I had my own room, all to myself. I didn't have to share anything with my brothers.

Life was awesome.

And I'm sure everybody else has it better than me, so why bother growing up?

Life isn't as easy as it looks, kids. College life, it's hard. It's not about parties and boys. The things you see on TV are lies! Seriously, it is hard, even from me, someone who's taking up Artistic Writing.

And who knows what's going to happen afterwards when you finish studying?

Food; 24/7 on my mind.

2011-03-01T02:00:00.000-08:00

Remember the cafe I told you about in my previous post? Yeah, I'm most definitely addicted to it. But I have to say, I've been craving for Starbucks and Oldtown White Coffee. And whenever I crave for kopitiam food; roti bakar and all that stuff, I crave for Hai Peng and Kemaman Station. And to think, I hang out at those places everyday, and now I don't have those anymore. Sad, isn't it?

Oh yes, we only have about a month left before our Minggu Karyawan, and I'm pretty sure everybody here is excited. But then, yeah, everybody is going to be freaking busy, because the showcase is also in early April. I bet everybody's going to be so tired then. And yes, us, the Semester 2 Artistic Writing kids had been selected to organize a workshop as part of the programmes during Minggu Karyawan, and guess what? I'm the Director/Event Manager. Yes, laugh all you want, but seriously, I am most definitely honoured to be chosen as the EM. All our meetings had been going on well, and so was the meetings and discussions with the lecturers. We're doing a workshop on Monodrama, which is very cool and exciting! Too bad I couldn't participate as well! LOL.

I haven't been doing much lately. Just wandering around, skipping classes, eating, sleeping, and all that crap. I have been less productive the past two weeks, which is really pissing me off. I'm working on it, trust me.

And seemingly I'm not going back to KL this weekend. I've to follow the seniors to shoot their short film; CTRL+Z. And yes, this is my first time taking part in shooting a film. SUPER EXCITED!

And next Friday, I mean, on the 11th, I'm going to be the MC for the press conference regarding the Diploma Showcase. Excited about that as well, shall I say?

I realized, there are so many chances and opportunities going my way this semester. And I most definitely am not going to waste any. I realize that in this industry, to survive, you really have to stand out and work hard for the attention. I am no attention whore, but indeed, I want to survive. I need to work out and build up the reputation I need, and all these are exactly what I need right now, at least, to build up a name, even if it's just in this faculty.

And someday, who knows?

20 years ago, people didn't believe they could make phones, and look at what we'd evolved into now!

iPhone 5 is coming out, dudes!

But of course, globalization also leads to destruction, no? Sigh. Click here. The least we could do is have awareness in our lives.

2011-02-26T08:59:00.000-08:00

The urge to download songs is killing me. I can't download them here, obviously, because my broadband is sort of reaching its quota. So yeah, fuck that.

I'd been meaning to go back to Kuala Lumpur, but I had a replacement class today, and just now I went to the Puncak Alam campus to watch the musical theatre; Meriam. It was a super short play, but it was enjoyable. Minus the sad part in the end, I guess.

So yeah, I wanted to go back to KL, because I get wifi there, so there's no need for me to use my freaking broadband. But yeah, I guess I just have to wait till next week, in which I thought my parents would be coming back, but apparently they're not. They're just too busy, as usual.

Typical.

And I am here, left alone, all the friends gone back home. Sigh. My dad should really get me a car. It would make things so much easier for me to live here in this small, far-away place. Can't ask for one, though. Because I just know the answer would be no. Screw that. PFFFT.

So as of now, I am really craving for pepperoni pizza from Domino's. But it's too late of a night, and DUHH Domino's is only open till 11 pm. Heh.

Which brings us to this; Puncak Perdana finally has a place where we (my friends and I) could actually indulge in good food, literally. And I am loving it! The food is nice, the place is comfy, and the people are warm and friendly! Awesomeness, okay?

Too bad it doesn't open at night.

Ship me off to Hawaii, please?

2011-02-23T04:42:00.000-08:00

I.....

Still have not finished my autobiography.
Still have not finished my biography.
Still have not started on my one minute Public Service Announcement script. Wait, was it one minute?
Still have not finished studying the traditional theatre; Mak Yong, in which we have to study and write a script on Raja Tangkai Hati.
Still have not finished whatever shit we have to do for our Research Writing, which annoys me because I don't understand a thing the dude teaches us.
Have yet to do the One Act Drama layout.
Have to do laundry.
Want to go down and watch Wayang Kulit.
Need to learn to wake up super early every morning.
Need to settle and manage things for an event during Minggu Karyawan.
Crave for good food.
Want to eat ice-cream.
Need to watch movies.
Miss the ocean.
Think of what the future holds, all the freaking time.
Need to reorganize everything.
Am suffering from delusiveness.
Feel like I need to socialize more.
Am missing out on so many things in life.
Cannot keep up with all this madness any more.

Untuk betina yang kami suka.

2011-02-17T02:37:00.000-08:00

First thing's first.

Sayang; kali ini aku tulis dalam bahasa Melayu ya, semoga kau faham. Aku tahu kau kurang fasih bahasa Inggeris, jadi daripada aku buang masa menulis dalam bahasa yang kau takkan faham walaupun dari sekolah rendah kau belajar bahasa tersebut (kau boleh bilang sendiri berapa tahun sudah kau belajar bahasa itu), lebih baik aku bicara dalam bahasa kita sendiri, bukan? Maaf. Bukan aku mahu bermegah atau apa. Selama ini aku menulis dalam bahasa Inggeris pun kerana aku lebih cenderung kepada bahasa itu, dan aku mahu tulisan tulisan aku sampai pada tahap semua orang, tak kira apa bangsa sekalipun, dapat baca dan faham, walaupun apa yang aku tulis tidaklah sebegitu bagus pun. Faham apa yang aku cuba sampaikan setakat ini? Eh, tentulah kau faham, kau kan pandai!

Aku tak mengerti kau. Kononnya tak mahu layan aku dan kawan kawan aku lagi. Kononnya mahu biarkan saja. Tapi masih, kau tetap ambil tahu. Kau semak profail Twitter kami, kau baca profail Blogspot kami. Mungkin bukan blog aku, tapi kau tetap baca blog kawan kawan aku kan? Teruk sekali ya kau! 'Stalker'! Susahnya mahu lepaskan peminat peminat kau, bukan?

Ya, kami memang peminat peminat kau. Kami tak benci kau. Betul! Kau bikin kami gelak. Bila aku sedih, aku buka blog kau, aku baca. Dan lepas itu aku rasa lebih baik, lebih lega. Wujud orang yang lebih 'pathetic' dari aku, dari kawan kawan aku. Senang cerita, kau hidup kategori sedih! Kau buat kami gembira! Kami tak pernah benci kau, sungguh!

Okay, itu penipuan. Kami benci kau.

Kenapa?

Kau seorang yang suka 'kiss-up' orang. Eh, faham tak? Aku tak maksudkan cium cium French kissing. Maksud aku, kau suka cium bontot orang! Faham? Baiklah, sini aku jelaskan. Kau berlakon baik, pura-pura baik, tegur kakak-kakak cantik, popular (kononnya) dekat Facebook, Myspace (siapa ada lagi benda alah ini?) dan segala apa lagi laman 'social networking' yang wujud pada zaman ini. Kau cakap dengan mereka, kononnya sudah lapan tahun kenal mereka, dan kau senyum senyum seorang diri, memikirkan kau disukai. Kasihan kau. Kau mungkin jawab 'Suka hati akulah, diri aku.' Ya, kami tak pernah menghalang, malah kami suka lihat kau bodoh bodohkan diri sendiri begitu.

Kau bodoh. Kau tahu sudah, kami yang kutuk-kutuk kau, dan aku pasti, bukan kami sahaja yang tak suka kau. Kalau kami buat 'petition' untuk lihat berapa ramai orang tak suka kau, mesti syarikat Double A kaya raya, malah mungkin lebih banyak pokok terpaksa ditebang untuk menghasilkan kertas. Semuanya untuk kau. Terharu tidak? Eh aku sudah meleret ke lain. Di mana sudah aku tadi? Oh ya, kau tahu sudah kami yang kutuk-kutuk kau, dan kau pula kutuk kutuk kami dalam blog kau seolah olah kau begitu hebat. Tapi bila ajak bersua muka, kau beri seribu satu alasan ya? Tahu pula kau takut. Tahu pula kau cakap elok elok. Kau panggil kami pengecut? Kenapa 'remove' kami dari akaun Facebook kau? Kami cuma bermain-main dengan kau, kau mahu kami 'confront'? Boleh sahaja, bila bila masa sahaja, tapi kenapa 'remove' kami? Takut ya? Takut kawan kawan kau nampak kau kalah? Takut kawan kawan kau semua nampak kebodohan kau? Kenapa bila diajak bertemu, kau mengelak? Siapa pengecut sekarang? Kami, atau KAU?

Kau show-off. Faham apa itu show-off? Maksudnya, menunjuk-nunjuk. Tiap kali baca blog kau,

ada saja yang kau mahu gebang-gebangkan. Apa motif kau? Mahu orang fikir kau kaya? Heh. Lupa sudah? Aku kenal kau dari kecil, sayang. I know your parents. I know what they do. Tak se-gah mana pun. Keluarga kau bukanlah kaya macam keluarga Hilton pun kan? Kau taruk nama Hilton sekalipun pada nama kau, kau takkan dapat mewarisi duit mereka, sayang. Tak perlu, rasanya, menunjuk-nunjuk segala apa yang kau tunjukkan selama ini. Bukanlah hebat mana pun, kalau setakat Roxy, Converse, kan? Jadi, tak perlulah tunjuk semua itu pada kami semua. Tak penting. Ramai lagi orang yang lebih kaya dari kau, tapi tak pernah pun mereka menunjuk-nunjuk. Malah, jauh lebih merendah diri dari kami yang biasa biasa saja ini. Tak mati pun mereka tidak menunjuk-nunjukkan kekayaan mereka. Dan ya, tak mati pun kami melihat kau menayang-nayang duit kau kepada umum, tapi kau boleh fikir sendiri akibatnya. Apa kami kisah duit kau, kami pun punya wang. Tapi kau lihat sekeliling kau. Ada orang lain menayang-nayang duit mereka? Tidak ada, bukan? Alang alang kau tayang, apa kata kau campak campak terus duit tersebut? Boleh juga kami sekeliling kau kutip duit kau, buat pergi makan. Kenyang perut, suka hati! Tidak begitu?

Apa lagi boleh kami katakan tentang kau ya?

Atau kau sudah tak sanggup lagi mahu baca kebenaran tentang diri kau?

to be continued...

Fell into despair, and lost all hope.

2011-02-14T05:31:00.000-08:00

I've missed writing so much. Not that I haven't been writing. It's just that, well, I've been too busy to actually let out my emotions onto paper.

I'm depressed right now, even though it's Valentine's Day. Not because I don't have a boyfriend or a date or something like that. I don't give a crap about that. I've never had a Valentine before, so it doesn't make a difference anyway. Not because I think it's sinful or anything. I've just coincidentally never had a boyfriend during Valentine's Day. And please don't tell me I'm being very stupid for thinking it's not sinful to celebrate Valentine's. I have my own thoughts and opinion on the issue. In which case I don't think this should be an issue at all. People are just exaggerating, as always.

So back to the point. Why am I depressed?

Well, let's start. I've had a lot on my mind lately and things hadn't exactly fell into their places. I have my assignments to submit, classes to attend, lecturers to please, friends to care for, and every other thing to do, be it important or not.

And my life?

A complete, utter mess.

I made a new pair of glasses, and apparently my astigmatism is getting worse, in which case I now need to buy special contact lenses, which apparently cost higher than the normal ones. Damn it.

I was thinking of joining PESKA; it's a dance group for the FACT students here. But considering my busy schedule, and me, falling behind on everything, I feel like I won't be able to commit. And here I stand, hoping to find some actual exercise for myself. Heh.

True, I have been running around here and there doing things (although I sometimes don't even know what I've been doing), but I just don't feel like that's real exercise. I need something real.

And this leads to missing the Navy days, A LOT! I miss the sail boats, the ships, the weapons, EVERYTHING! I miss being in control, being in a team, being the head of a team, being special. I miss the feeling of having actual discipline, the feeling of having actual teamwork, the feeling of having actual respect.

We don't have all that here.

Oh well. I'm really feeling the heat here now, and I'm guessing it's getting to my brain. I still have so much left to do, and time just doesn't seem to want to be my friend.

And maybe it's my fault?

Oliver Jackson-Cohen

2011-02-01T00:08:00.000-08:00

I am officially in love with him now ♥

He played the Killer in Faster, and I just fell in love with the role that instant! He was like, the perfect man for me! *drools* Seriously!

I mean, why wouldn't I fall in love with him? He's flexible and athletic. He has a damn hot, gorgeous, body, which is to die for! He's super rich, and he has all these awesome weapons and gadgets *screams* And the best part is, he loves his girlfriend! I've not seen that much affection given to a girl! I mean, did you watch the film? Damn, he already left the house, and stopped, jumped out of the car, just so he could kiss the girl! And it was seriously a passionate kiss!

And awh, the way he acted when he was away from his girlfriend, God, does anybody like that exist anymore? *heart-melting* I especially like the way he proposed to the girl. "Marry me." Damn it, could he be more perfect?

And have I mentioned his English accent? More reason to get head over heels about him!

And yes, he's a killer who kills for only a dollar. Is that just amazing, or what?

Oh if only he existed in the real world.

Silence.

2011-01-31T21:25:00.000-08:00

There are so many things in life I wish I could say. To every single person I know.

I want them to know how things are. I want them to know how I feel. I want them to know my story. My story; not theirs, not anybody else's.

I can't. Nobody listens. Nobody cares. Even if I scream in the middle of a crowd, nobody would listen. Nobody would care.

I'm a loner. I have always been that way. Okay, so I might not always be alone, but my heart always is. I can be standing in the middle of a thousand people I know, and still feel like I'm alone. I keep things to myself. I carry my burden alone.

People might think they know me. People would think I share lots of things with them, and so, they think they know me best. No. They don't. They don't know me at all.

******************

I'm a coward. I can't say what I want to say out loud. I'm scared. Of rejection. Of objection. Of the deafness. Of the muteness. Of everything. I just don't have the guts to say the things I want to say. I'm a coward.

Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you how much I love you.

Mum, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that I don't hate you.

I don't have the guts to tell you my feelings. Yes, your daughter is a coward. I'm sorry I let you down. I'm sorry I didn't turn out the way you planned me to be. I'm sorry I couldn't make you proud. I'm a failure, I know.

For as much as we don't communicate, I love you guys. You might never know this, but I do.

Sometimes,

when I'm down,

I really wish I could talk to you guys

and cuddle up in your arms

and cry like a baby,

and you'd understand.

But I can never do that.

And you would never understand.

One year.

2011-01-22T03:24:00.001-08:00

I can't remember what's it like to be in love.

I doubt I've ever really been in love anyway.

The last time I thought I was, I was crushed, really bad. He lied to me, he cheated on me, he played with me. I was really broken, I couldn't even function well. But now to think of my relationship with him, I just feel so much remorse. Yes, it's not my nature to have remorse, but, come on, I could never had thought I could ever sink to that level! I mean, how could I be so fucking blind? He had nothing! He was nothing! And I thought I actually loved him.

I was wrong.

It was just lust.

Everything was lust. I don't even know what love is. I don't know if I've ever felt it. I don't know what it feels like. I don't know what it is.

I can't remember what it feels like to be in a relationship. It's been a long while. I can't remember, I can't recall. I can't recall the feeling of having someone to talk to every night, or someone to tell me he misses me. I can't remember all that.

I'm not sure I want to, though.

Today I am officially single for one year. Yes, one year. That might not be much to you, but to me that's a long time. I wonder how long I can keep this up. Because truth is, I am still hurt. And I'm afraid.

To give my heart out again.

2011-01-21T17:53:00.000-08:00

It's been an exciting week, of course. I've been doing a lot, and not-surprisingly been spending a lot as well. What happened to the careful-with-handling-money Deanna? LMAO like that's ever happened!

Okay, I'm once again involved in the Diploma Showcase, and mind you, this is the last showcase for FACT, so they're going to make this a big one. Four shows, I repeat, four shows! Which leads to utter exhaustion and finally, we all die! LMAO okay so we don't die, but yeah, I could see everybody getting stressed. Athina and I are under the documentary department, and we've already started working so we're already busy. Which is sort of a good thing, I guess. LOL.

I'm almost broke, as of now. Almost. So that means I can still go out and shop and eat and watch movies because I'm not entirely broke. ROTFLMAO! Okay, I'm kidding. God, where'd all my money go? I'm supposed to save up, not spend! This is all the holiday's fault! Yeah Deanna, blame it on the holiday. *talks in front of a mirror*

Oh well, I'm back in KL now, which means I get to save some money, I guess. Unless somebody asks me out. Oh please don't. I'm almost broke, and I don't want to have to ask for money from my parents, again! Seriously. If I knew this was going to be a long weekend, I would have just gone back to Kemaman. Damn it, I miss Hai Peng a lot! Which reminds me, I need my old photos, for my Autobiography assignment. And mind you, I have not started on that yet. I have no idea what to talk of myself.

And people say I'm self-absurd. HAH!

Off to breakfast :]

Oh Deanna!

2011-01-19T02:51:00.000-08:00

This made me laugh today. I wonder why I never knew of this song before! I never thought there would be a song of my name with the correct pronunciation! Fuck yeah! (Y)

Saman

2011-01-16T09:01:00.000-08:00

Last night, for the first time ever in college, I got fined.

*claps*

Awh, don't you guys want to congratulate me? LOL. I'm finally a bad-ass! Okay, kidding. I came into college grounds about an hour late than the curfew, so I went through the gate and I got fined, along with some other friends of mine. Well technically it wasn't our fault for coming in late. We went to the closing ceremony for the induction of Part 1 students, and then went out to eat because we were starving! I mean, duhh, did you expect us to starve in there? LOL. So it seriously was not our fault!

Nevertheless, we had fun that night, even if we pretty much didn't enjoy the show. We were super busy making fun of each other and laughing our heads off! Especially when you sit next to Bo, OMG I was having stomach-cramps all night long because I laughed too hard!

And speaking of which, I went out with him and Efan the day before to Midvalley Megamall, before going to KLCC to meet up with Bo's old friend. And of course, when it comes to hanging out with Bo, I just couldn't stop talking and laughing with him. I hate him for making my cheeks hurt and giving me stomach-cramps! LMAO.

I've been having a super, fun time in college, that's for sure. Everything had been awesome, although some things I couldn't stop noticing had changed. Oh well. Change is inevitable, eh?

And oooooh, I haven't mentioned Sarah's wedding reception. I had a good time, considering Yasmin and Diana were there, but oh, they went home quite early. Ceremony went on quite well, and I hate to say, I was feeling exceptionally pretty that day. It's not often I feel that way. But sadly I didn't walk around much, those fuck-me shoes I bought were killing me. FUCK! But yeah, overall I had a fun day.

Apart from all that, I discovered a new talent! I can imitate people's laugh! LMAO. So far I've done Bo's and Wan-B's. The weirdest guys with the weirdest laughs in Puncak Perdana! LOL.

I'm feeling awesome, despite the fact that I'm feverish as of now, but oh who cares. I guess I'm going to hit the bed now. I have class at 4pm, and I hope I wake up in time. *chuckles*

Goodnight, peeps!

Back to school.

2011-01-06T01:22:00.000-08:00

I am officially and legally back in college ever since Sunday night. And trust me, I am hating this new apartment. Damn it, I just feel like burning this place down. Okay, so this block used to be the boys' resident, but suddenly this semester, our Principal suddenly decides to move the boys to Block 1, which used to be the one of the girls' block, and the girls get Block 4 & 5, which used to be the boys' place. So what do we get now? The boys are lacking rooms, because they only have one block. And as for the girls, (the ones who are now in Block 4 & Block 5) we're suffering from the dirtiness and ugliness of the place. Darn it.

And lots of people didn't get a place to stay, for some reason we have no idea of. And the fucked up part is, there's actually still loads of vacancy beds and rooms for the students. Isn't that just messed up? The place feels super quiet, empty and lonely these days.

I have yet to meet the new Part 1 students. Not that I feel so superior or anything, I'm just trying to meet up with new people. And who knows, there might be some hot hunks I could grab on. LOL as if that's ever going to happen. Since there's not going to be any inductions anymore, I guess I'm not going to find out. Oh well.

First day of class, Ayah AGI briefed us on our assignments, in which we had to do an autobiography, a biography and an adaptation. I just have to say that I have no idea at all what to write about myself, and as for the biography, I might just do Jared Leto, since I'm super fond of him. And the adaptation part is sort of difficult. I have to adapt 10 poems from a writer into a film script. Is that just hard or what? Went out to Giant Shah Alam in the evening with Daniella to buy some stuff, had dinner and take a passport-sized photo of myself. Bought Abang Epul his birthday gift and went out that night with him, Nazrin, Efan, Amir, Kak Asha, Eroul, Kak Ary, Kak Jee, Kak Olin, Kak Intan, Munawar, the other Abang Epul, Ashmeer, Taufiq, Hanis, Etchai, and Anne. We had karaoke until 3 a.m in Petaling Jaya and had nasi lemak right after that. And I was aware of the fact that I had class at 8a.m. How stupid was I? LOL.

I came back at 7 a.m. Showered and all that, and headed straight to class with Daniella, where I was elected class rep for the class. I was like "OMG WTF?" Get my point? All I'm saying is, I am definitely not a responsible person. How could she elect me? Okay, I know why she elected me. I was outstanding. She knows me. Of all the people in the class, she knows me. HOHO I am so proud of myself. Okay stop being delusional. Sigh.

So yeah, class was cancelled yesterday, so Athina, Daniella and I rented a car, and we went out to Green Point PJ, and then had lunch at Taipan. Ayam kampung, it was seriously nice. Then we went to Sunway Pyramid. Did some shopping, and oh, I bought a pair of super cute black fuck-me shoes! Am wearing that this upcoming Sunday for the reception in Ampang. Bumped into some kids from Puncak Perdana, and met Athina's friend, Affan. Later on, Athina, Daniella and I watched The Tourist. Seriously, people, watch it! Bumped into our lecturer, Mr Khong. It was super unexpected, and I was super duper excited! *giggles* We wandered around Subang before going back to Puncak Perdana and had dinner at a mamak restaurant somewhere a little bit further away. And know this, Athina's driving sucks! She almost got us killed. And she decided we're going to do this every month. WTF?

And today, I skipped classes. I have no idea why, I was just too fucked up to even wake up this morning, so I skipped the first class. Supposedly I had another class at 11, but when I arrived they told me class was cancelled, so Athina, Daniella and I went to the dining hall to have breakfast and sat at the gazebo later, and played Bop It. Some time later we saw our classmates passed by and asked us "Kenapa tak pergi kelas tadi?" WTF man?! *frowns* The class apparently wasn't exactly cancelled, and not one of them texted any of us telling us this. WTF? I was really pissed off. What attitude is that? *sigh* Oh well. Can't do much anyway. Just sat there at the gazebo and hung out with a bunch of seniors before going off to late lunch.

And here I am now.

Feeling fucked up.

And wow, this is a long post. I better go sleep now.

Already a sign for a stupid, bad year.

2010-12-31T17:53:00.000-08:00

Hello darlings.

It is the first day of 2011, and I'm in Johor Bahru. I spent the whole New Year's Eve on the road, so yeah, it was tiring. My butt still aches from the long ride. Damn it.

And as for New Year's countdown, let's just say I'm not really into numbers. So I didn't really give a fuck. What made me more fucked up was because my parents and uncles and aunt left me as they all went for foot reflexology. And still very much upset over it.

So yeah, here I am, today, in 2011, being fucked up and depressed. And having menstruation now definitely is not helping.

And today is the day my cousin, Sarah Ismail gets married to her boyfriend of 5 years, Aizuddin Alwi. Congratulations, cous'. I sure hope you guys live out a happy life together!

So yeah, am going to the reception later this evening, and I do hope I have a blast, despite some fucked up shit that happened to me and my baju kurung. I'm soooo sad!

Anyhow, people, thank you for the delightful New Year wishes and invites, although frankly I have to say that I don't really give a damn about New Years. Like, seriously.

.......My last day home, err, sort of.

2010-12-29T22:02:00.000-08:00

Hello. I had been meaning to update my blog since the past few days, but, I've been sleeping sort of early lately. And I have no idea why, but I'm so proud, because that's a good thing! Claps for the freak!

So yeah, I only have like, less than a day to pack my stuff and clean up my room. Damn it. Congratulations Deanna for procrastinating!

I've been meaning to pack up my clothes and stuff during the night, but snoozing off early is definitely not helping, and during the day, well, let's just say I'd been going out and hanging out quite a lot with a couple of my friends. HEHE.

And yeah, a distant relative just passed away this morning, so I went to the funeral all morning long, and I guess tonight I'll have to go to the house again for tahlil. So I sort of only have this evening to pack up, and still make it to Hai Peng with Sya. Yes, despite my supposedly busy schedule I still want to go to Hai Peng for the last time!

So I'm going to go and start packing up now. No more putting off the work! HAHA.

Later, darlings :)

I should have been on the bus to JB by now.

2010-12-26T19:28:00.000-08:00

It's the 27th.

The earlier plan was that I head on to Johor Bahru with my brothers first, because supposedly we were going to Singapore on the 28th.

But hey, I'm still in Kemaman. The plan had been cancelled, because of some fucked up issues, and so, yeah, I'm still at home now. I guess I'll be going back to JB on New Year's Eve with the parents. And oh, Choy's tagging along too. It's going to be his first time in JB, so I guess he's pretty excited. Although I'm not sure we'd have enough time to go around. I'm not even sure if we have time to go shopping. Damn it. I guess I'll just have to wait for the next time I come back to the hometown.

It is definitely a bummer for me, to not be able to go back there early and go to Singapore. I already had plans to hang out with Anis. Oh well. I guess everything just has to wait. Besides, it's just Singapore. I have all the time in the world, right?

Furthermore, cancelling the trip means I have another week at home, and mind you, I still haven't packed for going back to college. I have all the time in the world, and yet, yes, I choose to be lazy. Awesome, Deanna, just awesome.

Oh well. It's the 27th now in the States, so Happy Birthday Jared Leto. No words could describe how I feel about you. I just love you too much!

And for the rest of you guys out there, go get high on the Thirty Seconds To Mars newest controversial short film / music video "Hurricane". Bartholomew Cubbins never fails to rock my world with his films! EPIC!

You can go here;

ThirtySecondsToMars

“Hurricane” is a freakishly fantastic, serious scintillating, highly detailed achievement by 30 Seconds To Mars. You could watch it 100 times and never catch everything that’s happening, and you could debate the symbolism and meaning for hours. And you should. Just maybe not with your parents.

-jaredleto.com

Have a nice day people.

Not good enough for the guys back home.

2010-12-25T23:50:00.000-08:00

Okay, so at the Christmas party last night, I'd been told that I was a very attractive person, and that I had a gorgeous set of eyes. Okay, who wouldn't be flattered? Especially since the ones complimenting me were, well, British men. I have no intention of showing off or bragging here. It's just that, honestly, I just don't get compliments that much from people, especially not from my own race.

I've been around a lot, and made acquaintances here and there. I remember once, I followed dad to his duathlon, and dad introduced me to some of his new acquaintances who were young Malays, and, well, I don't know. They didn't talk much, pretty much ignored me. So yeah, later on, my dad talked to some Spanish guys, and the next thing I know I was having a super fun conversation with them.

Same thing happened when I was on holiday at Redang Island. There was a couple of guys who were accommodating at the same place I was, and not even one of them talked to me, even though clearly they did talk to my parents and brothers. Sometime in the evening, I found myself having a delightful chat with this awesome dude from Manhattan. And he said that he really thinks I'm a bright, beautiful lady.

And another time, when I was on the plane to Sabah, two gorgeous English hunks were seated right next to me, and the next thing I know, the three of us were talking about so many things, it felt like I've known them forever.

So I was just wondering, am I not good enough for these Malay guys? Not that I mean I'd want every single Malay guy to flirt with me, but, well, just crack up a conversation. I know I'm not pretty and all, but hey, I'm fun to talk to, I guess. Or maybe not. I don't know. But I like making new friends, and these guys, they're just no fun. Which is why I prefer Chinese, Indians, Caucasians and everybody else better. At least most of them are fun to talk to.

I'd be lying if I told you that no Malays have told me I'm pretty. I'd also be lying if I told you that most 'hey, you're kind of cute' compliments didn't come along with a long stare on my chest. Like, seriously. So how am I supposed to be flattered or believe their compliments?

Okay Deanna, what are you really saying?

I just want more friends, okay. So I might not appear appealing to Malay men, it's okay. I might just turn out marrying an English man who surfs and cycles and swims and loves the warm tropical weather just as I do.

Okay, again, WTF, Deanna?

I don't know. I just don't have a motive in posting this. I don't want to whine or anything, but, seriously, am I that ugly to the eyes of Malay men, to the point that I have to wait for a compliment from an Australian? Oh well, at least it's good enough to know that I'm still attractive to the eyes of some people in the world, even though, well, I could clearly count the number by hand.

My conclusion; I'm not cut out for my own kind. Poor me. I should have lived in Miami.

WTF? Worst post ever! I lost my point.

5-Day updates!

2010-12-25T05:24:00.000-08:00

My Bedtime Lullabies was last updated on the 20th of December. And now it's the 25th. Wow. That's a long time.

But still not too late to wish those out there celebrating Christmas a very Merry Christmas!

Okay. I've been trying to update this blog for the past few nights, but, well, words just didn't come out. But tonight, I want to post this, no matter what!

Well. Let's start.

Okay.

I've been indulging myself with fun and joy these past few days. Anis arrived in Kemaman on Tuesday, and Adie picked her up at Chendor, after some fucked up complications that occurred. Stressful evening, shall I say. But later on, Adie, Ruha, Ken and Anis picked me up and we just chilled out at Adie's place. Ruha was already leaving for KL the next day, so meeting her, even just for a short moment was good enough. Adie sent Anis and I back to my place later during the night, and we just went all crazy that night on Omegle.com. You should try it, it's fun. LMAO.

Wednesday, Anis and I was sort of stuck around the house, as we have no transportation whatsoever to go out. Feeqa came sometime later, I forgot whether it was in the morning or the afternoon. Oh well. Babbled and babbled and babbled, till those two finally decided to watch Paranormal Activity 2. Bummer. Turned out, they didn't concentrate on the film at all. LOL. Heidi came to pick us up, some time around 5pm, and her mum dropped us off at Hai Peng. Met up with some of the guys there, and before long Sya arrived. She sent Anis, Feeqa and me back to my place, and we went out for dinner at Kemaman Station with my family, before Apis came and fetched us. Had an awesome night with him, her, and her, plus Shiela. Feeqa leftt some time after midnight, for she had to go to JB with her family to take her sister, Ruhil's PMR results. And I fell asleep, just like that, while Anis was tweeting me from the loo.

I woke up the next morning annoyed by Anis's alarm. And she could still sleep soundly even though I've slapped her face many times. Damn! So yeah, later on, her parents arrived and it was time for her to go home, well not home, because they were supposedly be going on a holiday or something. Then they invited me for lunch, and we made a visit to Tg's house to see her new sister which was also named Anis. So yeah, after the visit and lunch at Secret Recipe and yada yada, they sent me home and went on with their journey. Then I found out that Anis left her toothbrush, Sensodyne and Bodyshop facial cleanser. LOL. The last time she was here she left her towel. Funny. That night, went over to have nasi-daun-pisang-dinner in Kerteh with the family, including Choy. Later on, dad treated me to Starbucks. Okay, one word; SATISFIED!

Christmas eve, and I went over to Kuantan and watched Gulliver's Travels with the family. It was fun. I mean, come on, it's Jack Black, people! You just have to watch it! Then as usual, I had dinner at Atta's, and it just seems that he's just getting closer and closer to us. :) And this, well, this is just awesome. Why? *grins*

And so this brings us up to today. I had breakfast with mum and the brothers, dad was out cycling, as usual. We had roti canai, and I just can't help but wonder about when was the last time I had roti canai. Oh well. Since today is Christmas, the family went over to Kuantan, again, for a Christmas party invitation. It was definitely nice. The food was good, and the party was definitely warm and friendly. After the party, we headed to the Berjaya Megamall. Okay, haven't been here in such a long time, and I just feel like, well, disgusted. Okay. Mean. But, seriously, okay, I know it's the weekends, but to see 12, 13 year-olds dressed like tramps and bitches and such? Didn't get to do much, I just bought myself some books to read, even though I literally didn't even touch Daniella's books I borrowed, except for Emily the Stranger and Stranger. And I definitely have not finished that one. Oh well. We had early dinner at, well, I forgot the name of the restaurant but it was serving satay, alright. Right after that we headed straight home.

And well, here I am. Had my warm shower and hugged my cat and messed up my room and hey, I finished this post :D

I ate too much today. Seriously.

2010-12-20T07:10:00.000-08:00

Feeling generously good today, even though some things didn't work out as planned. But, oh well. Things don't always turn out good in the end, now, do they? And believe me, there's a reason to everything that had happened, is happening and yet to happen around us.

Okay, I sense too much optimism here.

Well, maybe that's not a bad thing. I'm pretty much confused now. Beh.

Today, I cooked, I did laundry, I watched TV, I swept floors, I washed dishes, and I just feel so freaking happy. And I have no idea why! Maybe it's just me being weird, or maybe it's karma. You know what they say, what goes around comes around.

My room is sort of like a mess. Okay, not sort of, it really is. A freaking huge mess. And I sort of have just about a week to clean up and prepare my stuff for college. Second semester starts January 3rd, and by December 28th I already have to be in Johor Bahru because I'm supposed to be going to Singapore on that particular date.

Sarah's getting married on the first day of 2011 at Sangkar Kristal, JB, and I definitely have to attend. And then I'll just have to rush off to KL, and be back in Shah Alam on the second. Gosh, sounds hectic. I just pity my parents for having to drive here and there and everywhere. Everything is happening too fast.

I just hope I have enough time and money to do some shopping! I mean, damn, I miss Johor Bahru a lot! It's been quite some time since I went back there. Am definitely looking forward to good food and stuff. And Choy's tagging along as well. Awesome!

So yeah, I guess I should start cleaning up and packing.

Life's good. Life's really good.

2010-12-20T02:46:00.001-08:00

I want to write but I'm having this writer's block.

Out of words.

I never thought this could happen.

Day 29; Something I Never Get Tired Of Doing.

2010-12-19T21:14:00.000-08:00

I have no idea.

Day 28; In The Past Month What Have I Learnt?

2010-12-19T21:07:00.000-08:00

I have learnt that I am weird. I don't get along with most people, and I'm definitely not a topic starter. I go awkward around people most of the time, and the only place that makes me calm is the sea. Thank you.

Day 27; What Kind of Person Attracts Me

2010-12-19T20:09:00.000-08:00

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DROOLS!

Okay, I don't have a type. I'm random. Sometimes I could say I don't like this, and suddenly that thing turns out to be my favourite. Besides, having these 'types' are very limiting, you know. So yeah, I can't really tell.

But one thing's for sure, I like guys who can make me laugh.

If you, by any chance look like any of the guys up there, call me!

Day 26; A Photo of Somewhere I Want To Go

2010-12-19T19:39:00.000-08:00

The Maldives

Bora Bora Island

Who wants to take me there? :D

2010-12-19T19:32:00.001-08:00

Woke up this morning feeling sick.

Oh well. Am going to finish up those surveys. And, well, I don't know. HEH.

My boring, boring weekend.

2010-12-19T11:29:00.000-08:00

Oh darling, I've missed you too much! It's been days since I've written anything and I just don't feel right.

I decided to disappear for a while. I was going back to KL, Thursday evening, and I just decided, well, I wasn't going to bring along my laptop. So, yes, I left it.

Nothing much happened.

We arrived in KL at about 9 pm, and had dinner at Mali's in Danau Kota. Then went over to Wangsawalk to watch The Chronicles of Narnia; The Voyage of The Dawn Treader. Seriously, it did not turn out to be as good as I expected. Boring, to be exact.

December 17th, Friday, everybody was being busy cleaning up and preparing the house for the night. It's been 5 years since Tok Bak passed away, and as usual, Nanny was organizing a Majlis Tahlil for him. Syahirah Mahadi came. And it was quite a delight to see Afiq Afandi Mustapa again. Damn, that dude seems skinnier every time! Didn't get to talk much with him, though, I was too shy to go over to his table, although he was looking quite bored. It was as if he had "HELP, DEANNA, SAVE ME FROM THIS BOREDOM" written on his forehead. Or maybe it was just me, being delusional, as always? *laughs*

There was another event the next day, December 18th, Saturday, right next door. There was a Majlis Khatam Al-Quran in the morning, and later in the evening, the children celebrated Shadiq's birthday party. Didn't stay long, I ran off to escape all the noise and people to Sya's house in Ampang. Dad fetched me later in the late evening, and at night we went out to have Soto Berlada for dinner. It was awesome! That particular night, we watched Estet and Skyline on DVD. Skyline sucks! A total waste of my hours. PFFT.

So yeah, Sunday, December 19th, I woke up quite late, but then went out to AEON AU2 for a foot massage. Oh heaven! Wandered around for a bit, and went home. Found out Mum bought a new phone, like, PFFT. And yet she keeps on saying we're short on cash. Parents. Heh.

Oh well. We took off to Kuantan at about 4, and had Char Kuey Teow for dinner.

At about 9, we reached home to find my darling cat, Peeker all wet and cold. Poor thing.

Surprisingly, I'm happy :]

Day 25; Who I Am

2010-12-15T06:45:00.000-08:00

The name's Deanna Ishak. Yes, that's my name. Short, but very much complicated, as I am. Eighteen, as of now, although most people say I don't look my age.

I'm an Artistic Writing student.

This is my first time exposed to the world of Arts, and I have to say I'm pretty much scared. I used to learn Pure Science when I was in school. Mum didn't much encouraged me to focus on the creative side of me. Can't blame her, though. Of course as a parent she'd want me to become a doctor or an engineer, instead of whatever I'm going to be. She's disappointed, I could tell. But what else could I do? I'm not a robot, I have feelings, interests, passion. I'm just not that scientific and logical enough, I guess. Everybody's got their own personality, don't they?

I'm the first and only daughter in the family.

Most people would think that I have it all good and awesome. Well, it's not. Being the first child puts me to high expectations from the parents. They expect me to bring home good grades. They expect me to earn gold medals in everything. And being the only daughter, well, you know what daughters have to do, right? They expect me to help around the house, be well behaved, be all this and that and all that crap. So put those two together, and BOOM! I become super, duper fucked up. I mean, how is it that I have to be perfect, while both my brothers don't?

I'm very passionate about music. I don't play any instruments, and I am very bad at labelling the genres, so please don't ask me to differentiate alternative rock from hardcore. I cannot do it. To me, music is very universal. It soothes my ears, and every time I hear it, I feel like, I'm in a whole different new world. Every time. I would love to learn and play the guitar and the piano, some day. I can sing, though. And act, as a matter of fact. There would be times when I would go around pretending and stuff, and people would always fall for it. I'd always wanted to join the theatre, of course, but somehow I just feel like I'm under-qualified. Oh well. Might just try my luck, someday.

I have many acquaintances, but very few friends. I'm the kind of person who has trouble trusting people. I have so many people to hang out with, day and night, but when it comes to personal things, I'd always wind up alone, crying myself to sleep. It's best that way, I guess. I appear cheerful and friendly, most of the time, around people. I try to not get carried away by emotions, whatever they appear to be. I laugh a lot, that's for sure. And I annoy people, too. Sometimes, people would judge me as a snob. Till this very moment I haven't yet found the reason why. Still very much confused about this.

I'm a jerk, most of the time. I make fun of people, I'm ignorant, I'm a complainer, I fuss a lot, I tend to get caught up in shit, like, a lot. But sometimes, I can be a nerd, too. I used to represent my school for public speaking, spelling bee and debate. Okay, I did not go to the debate competition due to another activity I had representing the school and the state as well. I organized a campaign in school about Earth Hour, even though most people did not understand what my friend, Anis and I were talking about on stage. I joined the scouts' camping trips, even though clearly I was not a scout. And I was also an active girl in school. I used to be part of the Navy Cadets, an organization under the Royal Malaysian Navy, and there were definitely countless memories I have while joining the cadets. Gosh, I wish those moments had lasted forever. Even if it means burning up my skin in the hot Sun every single day.

Oh well, get the picture of who I am, now?

I'm a freak, of course.

Day 24; A Photo of Something That Means A Lot To Me

2010-12-14T02:48:00.000-08:00

Allahyarham Dato' Paduka Haji Ibrahim Ahmad.

He means the world to me.

My idol.

My hero.

My love.

My grandfather.

My Tok Bak.

I miss you a lot, Tok Bak.

Determination

2010-12-14T00:35:00.000-08:00

I don't play to get even. Momma plays to win!

-Sam, iCarly

Day 23; 15 Facts About Me

2010-12-13T22:28:00.000-08:00

I super, duper love my name!
Born on November 11th, and yes, I love this fact.
Am crazy about 30 Seconds To Mars. BIG FAN!
Wants to and will marry Jared Leto. Please don't say I'm delusional, I know I will.
An animal-lover.
Environment-concerned. Global warming is not a myth, people!
Loves cartoons, a lot!
Gets tanned, super easily. The sun just loves my skin, I guess.
Undergone surgery twice. Went psycho at the hospital. HOHOHO.
Acrophobic.
Agliophobiac.
Aichmophobiac.
The granddaughter of a politician and an army. And I'm proud of it.
Am not a girlish person.
Wants to become a respectful artistic writer and performer who inspires people around me.

Day 22; A Letter To Someone Who Had Hurt Me Recently

2010-12-13T21:28:00.000-08:00

Dear person-who-had-hurt-me-recently,

I may not be the most vibrant person in the world. I may not be the most beautiful girl in the world. Neither am I the most pious, nor the most intelligent. I'm just, me.

The little freak who dreams big and makes wrong decisions.

The one who always gets disappointed because everybody else gets disappointed in her.

The one who's fragile.

The one who's always heartbroken.

And for some reason I thought you of all people would understand.

What happened to us? What happened to you? You suddenly changed and distanced yourself from me. What? Is it me? What had I done? I keep wondering and wondering and I can never know, because you would never tell.

You don't text me anymore. You don't call me anymore. We don't chat online anymore. What happened? What made you change? Why won't you talk to me?

Is it me?

You used to be so fun. Caring. Understanding. Loving. You made me laugh all day and night long. You made the tears stop falling. You used to always be there for me.

And now, you're gone.

I just wished I knew what came along.

No, I'm not crying because you left. I'm crying because I lost you. My best friend.

Be safe. Have fun. Take care.

I love you.

Day 21; A Photo of Something That Makes Me Happy

2010-12-13T21:24:00.000-08:00

Isn't that just beautiful?

Smile

2010-12-13T20:16:00.000-08:00

You can't hurt me with the things that you do,

I'll pick up dandelions and I'll give them to you

♥

- Love Makes The World Go Round, The Powerpuff Girls

Day 20; The Meaning Behind My Blog Name

2010-12-13T12:28:00.000-08:00

Bedtime Lullabies.

too complicated to be explained,

too complicated to be understood.

Day 19; My Reflection In The Mirror

2010-12-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

HOHOHOHO

Am too lazy to be putting up a photo here.

Everytime I look in the mirror, I see a broken girl. Glum. Tanned. Ugly. Fat. Short. Dark. Big hazel eyes with under-eye circles and eye-bags. Chapped lips. Blackheads on the nose. Zits all over the face.

The lips. Tries hard to keep a smile.

They eyes. Tries hard to keep tears from falling.

The face. Tries hard to feel perfect.

But I'm not.

Forever - Papa Roach

2010-12-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

I have been tagged by my darling Umi Aisya Zainuddin.

- Put your music library on shuffle

- for each question click the next button to get your answer

- you must write the answer to the question - no matter how silly it sounds

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How would you describe yourself ?

Baby It’s Fact – Hello Goodbye

HAHAHAHAHA baby it’s fact that I don’t have a lover!

What do you like in a guy / girl ?

Baby You Wouldn’t Last A Minute On The Creak – Chiodos

Stop, drop everything, forget everything and just walk away? Uh?

How do you feel today ?

Starlight - Muse

Close enough :]

What is your life's purpose ?

This Is War – 30 Seconds To Mars

We will fight to the death! 30 Seconds To Mars is my life’s purpose! FTW!

What's your motto ?

For You I Will – Teddy Geiger

Am wondering who ‘You’ is :’)

What do your friend think of you ?

Tell Me What To Do - Metrostation

My friend’s in love with me? :O

What do you think of your parents ?

The Snuggle Song

Awh *hearts*

What do you think about very often ?

Why Can’t I Be You – Locksley

My playlist knows me well! HAHA.

What is 2 + 2 ?

Can You Feel The Love Tonight – Sir Elton John

Ooh-la-la the perfect answer!

What do you think about your bestfriend(s) ?

You’re Not In On The Joke – Cobra Starship

You’re the butt of my joke? AHAHA how evil am I?

What do you think of the person you like ?

Do You Remember – Jay Sean feat Lil Jon & Sean Paul

Nice :)

What is your life story ?

Orang Kecil – Wani Ardy

Hey I’m smiling :]

What do you want to be when you grow up ?

Blah Blah Blah – Kesha feat 3OH!3

Definitely not! :O

What do you think of when you see the person you like ?

With You – Chris Brown

Hearts all over the world tonight.

What will you dance at your wedding ?

Sorry - Buckcherry

WTF? It’s a wedding, not a break up. HAHA.

What will the play in your funeral ?

More Than Words – Frankie J

HAHAHA, now THIS should be played at my WEDDING!

What is your biggest fear ?

Better Man – Robbie Williams

He speaks for me :)

What is your biggest secret ?

Beautiful Lie – 30 Seconds To Mars

Wow. Like, seriously, wow.

What will you post this as ?

Forever – Papa Roach

I shall not tag anyone! MUAHAHAHAHAHA.

Day 18; 5 Things That Irritate Me About The Same/Opposite Sex

2010-12-13T05:13:00.000-08:00

5 Things That Irritate Me About Girls

Most of them, are indeed, BIMBOS. There. I said it.
They care about the silliest, stupidest things, and ignore the important matters in life. As in; make-ups and diets, but they ignore their educations.
They get stupid when it comes to guys. They give their trust 100% to their boyfriends, and when they get cheated on, they get furious and cry like it's the end of the world. And then they go crazy.
They get jealous, for no reason at all.
They judge and bitch about everybody all the time.

5 Things That Irritate Me About Boys

They are pushy. Like, seriously.
They're dumb. They hit on girls with looks instead of ones with brains.
They are egomaniacs. Always too good and too proud for everything. Or so they think.
Ignorant. Yes, very. Makes me want to slap them, every time.
Sex-maniacs. URGHH!

Okay, you should know that I am not referring this to every single human being on Earth. This is stated based on experience I've had through the years I've lived. So please, I'm not discriminating, or being judgemental, or whatever. It's just my honest opinion.

No hard feelings, please.

Day 17; How I Hope My Future Would Be Like

2010-12-13T02:06:00.001-08:00

How I hope my future would be like?

I hope to see myself happy. Smiling. Laughing. Enjoying life to the fullest.

I hope my future would turn out to be fabulous. Bright. Beautiful. Amazing. Exciting. I need adventures in my life. I want to travel, and do things I've never done before, eat food I've never tasted before. I want to explore everything, yes, every single thing around me.

I want a camera with me, so I could capture all the moments I'll go through, for better or for worse. A picture is worth a thousand words, no?

I want to go into the wildlife, into the hot savannah, to the deepest rainforest, and the widest sea. And just be awed by the beauty of nature.

I want to be surrounded by music, day and night, so I won't be feeling left alone in this world. So I won't ever lose inspiration.

I want to go lay down on the beaches, hear the sound of waves splashing onto the shore, breathing the salty air, feeling the warm sand.

I want to write songs. Lots and lots of songs. And I want to be able to play music. The guitar, the piano, drums, wouldn't that be amazing?

I want to become apart of the theatre, to be able to act in front of public, to be able to be in control, to be able to seize my moments.

I want to write, and inspire people, and change the world.

Or at the very least, change myself.

I'm not looking for fame. I'm just trying to be myself, do the things I love, and try to be as happy as I can ever be.

With my loved ones, of course.

Day 16; My View On Homosexuality

2010-12-12T02:56:00.000-08:00

Honest opinion;

I don't give a fuck.

Like, seriously. As long as they don't mess with me, I won't mess with them, and even if they did, it wouldn't have anything to do with them being homosexual.

Lesbians, gays, they don't matter to me. I've got tonnes of gay and lesbian friends, and they're cool, they're okay. They're normal, just like everybody else. They eat, they sleep, they laugh, they cry. The only thing different is that they choose to love somebody of the same sex.

By religion, this is a sin, I am aware of the fact. What much could I do? The only thing I could think of is by not encouraging the even further.

It' a trend, homosexuality, these days. Everybody's into it. And I'm sure most of them know it's most definitely wrong. But I guess they're just being ignorant. Just as we all are.

Don't judge them, though. We never know what they've been through to get them into that position today. They're not bothering you, so why are you being so judgemental about them? Ask yourselves, how would you like being judged?

Let God judge them.

Let God judge me.

Because

I'm bisexual.

Day 15; Something I Don't Leave The House Without

2010-12-12T01:10:00.000-08:00

Clothes.

DUHHHHHHHHHHHH!

HAHAHAHA okay, this answer is annoying, but seriously,

have you ever got out of the house naked?

I've left my phone, my wallet, my lip balm,

but I assure you,

I have never left the house in a bare condition.

Day 14; A TV Show I'm Currently Addicted To

2010-12-12T01:05:00.000-08:00

Honestly, I'm not addicted to any TV shows now.

I have my favourites, but I don't really watch a lot of TV these days.

But one thing I am looking forward to is this ;

Can't wait!

I'm back :]

2010-12-12T00:37:00.001-08:00

Hi, I just got back from Kelantan last night. Went all the way to Kota Bharu for dad's cycling trip with his colleagues. Didn't get to do much, but oh well, I'm thankful enough I got to travel. Alhamdulillah.

And as usual, I'm too lazy too upload any photos whatsoever.

Day 13; My View On Drugs and Alcohol

2010-12-09T00:31:00.000-08:00

Well by now you probably would have realized that I am addicted to ice, right?

HAHAHAHAHA, okay so maybe not the drug. Ice cubes.

Drugs are essential to the human race. Seriously. Without drugs, how are we supposed to cure ailments, fevers, colds, everything? The discovery of drugs had improved by the years, and humans are getting better and healthier each day, besides getting sicker and dying by the second. How ironic life is, isn't it?

But when people start abusing drugs, that's when things go wrong. GAHHHH. It's bad! Bad I tell you. HAHAHAHAHAHA. WTF!

Okay, I'm on drugs. I have asthma, and sinusitis, and depression. I need my inhaler, and my nasal spray, and all those other prescribed drugs just for the sake of being healthy. At least, healthier. Get the point?

So I won't say drugs are bad. They help me a lot.

It's just that, when one are misusing drugs, that's when self destruction happens, so kids;

Drug Abuse Is A No-No!

Ice-cream, on the other hand is okay.

HAHAHA

And as for alcohol;

Alcohol is any organic compound in which a hydroxyl functional group (-OH) is bound to a carbon atom, usually connected to other carbon or hydrogen atoms. In common speech the word alcohol refers specifically to ethanol.

**My Biology teacher used cotton dipped in alcohol to wipe my finger before he poked me with a sharp pointy thingy for the blood test experiment we were conducting. I found out I'm blood type B.

Not everything in this world is bad.

We're the ones making bad shit for ourselves.

Results are out...

2010-12-08T23:29:00.000-08:00

And damn it I can't access my Student Portal!

GAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Day 12; My Current Relationship

2010-12-08T11:29:00.000-08:00

I am, at the moment, single. I've been single for almost a year now. And I'm sorry, I will not say anything such as " Singles Rule!" or whatever shit like that. To me, that's just a pathetic way to say "I'm single and desperate and I'm trying to comfort myself by lying to everybody"

No offence.

Being single has its ups and downs. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. And it's not all sadness and depression.

Okay, my single life.

I'm okay with being single. No commitment to be reminded of. No stupid jealousy to handle. No fucked up arguments. No heart to give a damn for, 24/7. I could just go out with my guy friends without having to deal with the random jealousy from Mr. Boyfriend. Because when I was in my past relationships, this would always be an issue. And when there's an issue you keep on arguing about over and over again, somebody's bound to lose trust, or interest. Sometimes Mr. Boyfriend would even go jealous over me going out with the girls. That is definitely one thing I hate about having a boyfriend, and I am glad I don't have to handle that any longer. And then there are times, when having a boyfriend, where we'd argue about shit and crap, even though sometimes it's not even worth it. Now that I'm free; I don't have to face those quarrels anymore.

I can go out with whoever I want now. I can befriend anyone. I can text or call everybody I want to, without having to answer to Mr. Boyfriend. I can flirt with anybody (as if I ever do). I can do whatever I want, basically, without having to constantly text Mr. Boyfriend every minute. I don't have to dress appealing every single time of day anymore, or worry about my physical appearance. Of course, I still do, but you get the point, don't you? And I most certainly do not have to worry my very own jealousy and ego, and certainly not his.

It's awesome.

But everything has a downside to it, of course.

I don't get that "Hey babe, good morning. Hope you have a wonderful day ahead," text every morning when I wake up. I don't get that call in the middle of the night before going to sleep from him, asking me how my day was. I don't get to go on sweet dates, holding hands, doing crazy things together. And when I'm outraged, I don't get those funny texts from him, trying to cheer me up and make me laugh. I don't get that warm, safe feeling when he hugs me. I don't get to cuddle, hug and kiss anymore. I have nobody to open up to, to tell about my bad day and listen to his adventures. I don't have that one person to fight with, just for the sake of it, and laugh with me, endlessly. I don't have that one person to bring when I go to a party, or hang out with friends.

And I don't have that one person to tell him "I Love You."

And I don't have that one person to tell me "I Love You."

....................................................................................................

My last relationship ripped my heart into pieces. I was broken, badly. Not that I have healed. I feel as though I'm scared, to give my shattered heart away again. I'm scared to get torn into pieces again. It's been almost a year now, and I thought I'd have healed by now. But I'm not. I don't know if I ever will be, and even though it gets lonely at times, I just don't feel like being in another relationship.

And, I like my singleness. I love my loneliness.

Day 11; What's In My Make-up Bag

2010-12-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

Moisturiser
Lip balm
Lip gloss
Compact powder
Black and White Eye-shadow
Eye liner
Mascara
Eyelash Curlers
Hairbrush
Kleenex

I'm not quite the kind of girl who does make up for hours just to take the garbage out.

2010-12-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

Bila tiada apa apa untuk diperkatakan;

DIAM

Day 10; A photo of My Favourite Place to Eat

2010-12-08T04:16:00.000-08:00

I don't have any favourites! GAHHH!

I like food, all sorts of food; even though I don't eat most things.

I don't have a favourite place to eat.

But here's to list down a few.

Old Town White Coffee

The Roti Bakar is just *drools*

And its Enriched Iced Chocolate; my favourite, shall I say?

Just a little something something to satisfy the cravings I get for Roti Bakar.

Hua Mui, Johor Bahru

For those who are in JB, go on out to have lunch at Hua Mui

and have a taste of nostalgia in every bite!

Carl's Jr

Some say the price is sort of dear, but people,

look at the size! GAHHHH!

Wendy's

Fresh Food Made Fast

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you bet it is!

Cozy House; Great Eastern Mall; Kuala Lumpur

For those in KL, head out for dinner at Cozy House

with your loved ones; you won't regret it!

And of course; breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so . . .

Kedai Kopi Hai Peng; Kemaman.

Nasi Dagang. Roti Bakar. Kopi.

The taste of the coffee and kaya will just whip you off to heaven!

Don't believe me?

Try it :D

Kedai Kopi White House; Kota Bharu

Tok Bak used to work in Kota Bharu during the early days of independence of Malaysia.

He loved this shop so much;

and you will too!

The roti bakar is just splendid! And so is the coffee.

There you have it;

Some fine food outlet destinations

Splendid food

For reasonable and affordable prices.

Old and nostalgic;

just the way I like it.

Day 9; A Photo of The Last Item I Purchased

2010-12-08T04:12:00.000-08:00

Coco Lava. Tuna Sandwich. Iced Tea.

By; Kedai Kopi Hai Peng

Sorry, didn't take any photos. HEHE.

2010-12-07T22:09:00.000-08:00

Minum Milo panas

Sambil cicah biskut

Buka jendela

Hirup udara segar

Malam hujan

Pagi indah

Burung terbang

Lagu merdu

Indah.

Day 8; A Song to Match My Mood

2010-12-07T19:53:00.000-08:00

Day 7; My Dream Wedding

2010-12-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

Before I start, let me just say GAHHHHHH this question sucks! Me no likey dreamy dreamy, got it? HAHA. But oh what the heck, I've been putting this off for too long.

My dream wedding; Simple. Sweet. Unique. Artsy. Something special that people won't forget.

I dream to have a garden wedding, since I can't have one on the beach, despite the fact that I love the beach, because that would mean bad-hair day, difficulty to eat because of the wind and sand, and a whole lot of people complaining about the scorching sun. Oh that would be something people won't forget, of course. Something people won't love, either. I might just end up hating my wedding. HAHA.

So yeah, gardens seem more subtle. With a few performances from a live band, that'd be nice. And a couple of poetry reading from the people closest to me should be lovely.

Other than that, uhhhhhh.........................

Well I can't think of anything. Like, seriously.

But, let me tell you this! AHA!

I don't want my wedding to be crap! No stupid songs. No ridiculous food. No outrageous outfits. No!

I don't want a foolish wedding, that's for sure.

I guess that's all for this post.

Home

2010-12-07T18:52:00.000-08:00

I am officially back in

Kemaman

GOD, I miss my bed, my room, my cat, my fridge, my TV, my wifi, my treadmill, everything! And I just can't wait to go out. GAHHHHHH Hai Peng, I miss you darling! The beach, I can't wait to see you, the soul to my heart. My friends. Food. People. Everything!

At this point I feel like going to the beach and scream "I'm home!"

Fuck broken home. Fuck emptiness. Fuck nothingness.

It's always been like this, anyway. And I can't change anything.

I'm just happy to be home.

Senility

2010-12-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

An old woman came to the house today. She was Nanny's friend. And she kept on asking and asking of who I was. And talking about the same things over and over again. I figured out that she was senile. Poor thing. She looked healthy, and she kept on saying that she's 71. I guess all she needed was company, but what much can an 18 year-old do? I just listened, and tried to respond as much as I can to her babbles.

But the weirdest thing was that, even after all that, I didn't felt annoyed at all! In fact, I was still smiling and talking to her, even though basically we were just repeating the same things over and over again.

Over some time I got bored, but never annoyed. Strange, very strange, because as of myself, and trust me, I know myself very well, I would have gotten annoyed at people very easily.

But there's something about her that, I don't know. . . Touched my heart, shall I say it?

She'd been waiting for her son-in-law to fetch her all day, till she got really worried and asked me to call him. He didn't pick up. Then I called her daughter.

To the old woman's disappointment, her daughter told her that her son-in-law was picking her up at night.

I could clearly see the frustration on her face.

A couple of minutes later, she, again, asked me to call her son-in-law, wondering why he still hadn't picked her up.

I feel sorry for the old woman. I had to go out that night, and still she hasn't been fetched by her son-in-law. It made me feel very guilty to leave her, but what more could I do?

How many of us really, really remember Him?

2010-12-05T19:35:00.000-08:00

Good morning, darlings. How have you been? I wish you all the pinkest of health!

So I just woke up, and got on my Facebook, and I just read this note from a friend, and I have to say this, it touched my heart and opened up my eyes to things in a different perspective.

The note was simple.

No complicated words. Simple. Direct. True.

We're always complaining of how we're running out of time, how we don't have time for things, the little things in life that we often overlook, when sometimes, most of the times, these things are what matters most in life.

We're the ones who have been blind all the while.

God. How many of us really, really believe in God?

How many of us really, really remember Him?

How many of us really, really put Him in our humble hearts?

Life is ironic. We tend to remember God, only during the Friday prayers, or Friday nights, or sometimes just during the Maghrib prayers.

We remember God when we're sick, when we're ill.

We remember God when there's death.

But ask ourselves this;

Do we remember God during all those other times that doesn't involve grieving? Do we remember God during all the good times? During 'happy hour'? Do we remember God when we work? Or when we play?

We abandon God when we're happy. Why?

Ironic, isn't when? Doesn't happiness come from God itself?

This happens to most of us, I know, me especially. But reading that note, really, really opened up my eyes and my mind. I realize, now, that I've been abandoning God all the while. And yet I keep on complaining that life hadn't been fair to me, life sucks. When in reality, I'm the one who hasn't done my part. I don't deserve a good life. Heck, I don't deserve the life I have now. But God is kind enough to still bless me with all the things I have, even though I'm too blind to see them.

In hope I become a better person after this.

InsyaAllah

Red, and very cute!

2010-12-05T04:54:00.000-08:00

I have this now, after such a long time wanting it!

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Elmo loves you ♥

Thursday, Friday, Saturday :)

2010-12-05T01:56:00.001-08:00

I haven't been online as much as usual lately, not that anyone would care anyway. I don't think anybody noticed as well. HAHA. Oh well.

I've been hanging out with my cousin, Sarah, who arrived in KL last Thursday from Johor Bahru. She's getting married in January, so she had come over to help settle things for her wedding here in KL. It's kind of complicated, really. She's got three major functions. And God, I bet it is freaking tiring.

So yeah, we were out searching for this shop called Top Green in Pandan Indah, but after a loooooong time looking for it, we kind of gave up, and ended up indulging ourselves in Thai food at a Thai fair nearby. Then we headed off to Kepong to find another shop, and failed as well. GAHHH. We went out to GM Plaza to look for door-gifts to give out during the wedding, and still we came out with empty hands. Who would've thought that it would be sooooooo freaking hard to find all that shit? HEH. Weddings are so tiring. We were definitely running out of luck that day.

Then we headed straight to JAKEL to find fabric for the flower girls' outfit, where we suffered a freaking heartache having to deal with our aunt. Thank God Sarah was with me, and it was definitely a bonus point since we have sort of the same taste and the same thoughts. In short, we're both freaks, so it was easy to communicate with one another. Too bad our aunt was otherwise. Oh you know how it is with grownups. GAHHH. We ended up buying pink satin fabric for myself, Maria, Farisha, Hasya, Farha, Nurin and Sofia. So yeah, we're the flower girls. And I'm going to be the lead. Awesome.

After that freaking tiring day, we went over and had dinner at Pappa Rich before going home and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ SLEEP!

Friday afternoon, we headed out to make Sarah's wedding invitation, and then followed Auntie Lah to Tropicana City Mall where Auntie Lah had a meeting there. Sarah and I wandered around that place, and I have to admit, it was pretty cool. I might just hang out there more.

On the way home, we stopped by AEON Setiawangsa to buy some home groceries and had dinner at Wendy's. Have I told you how much I love Wendy's?

And as for Saturday, we spent the whole freaking day around Bukit Bintang with Sarah's fiancée, Oden. Sarah and I roamed around Sungei Wang after lunch, trying to look for cardigans or anything nice to wear with the dress, and met Oden later at Starbucks. After that, we decided to watch a movie at Times Square, so we walked over to find ourselves disappointed at the freaking long queue. So we headed to the Pavilion, and bought tickets for Unstoppable. Loitered around, blah blah blah and just hung out at Times, just to past the time. Watched Unstoppable, it was a good movie. Sarah and I just couldn't stop laughing at the jokes nobody else seemed to get.

We headed straight to Mak Tim's Cafe for dinner, and went home, giggled and laughed all night long.

I have to admit I had the most amazing time with her.

And now, Sarah's gone back to JB and I'm lonely as hell in this house again. Oh well. Get used to it, she's getting married.

Thanks for the lovely moments, I can't wait for your wedding, cousin.

Love you lots, Sarah Ismail.